get your mind off of the upcoming election, I thought I would throw in a little
humor this week. When will this be over? It seems like itís been going on for
at least a full year.
My 50 year high school reunion is coming up in about
18 months or so. Between now and then there are several things that I must get
off, I need to lose about fifty pounds. I weighted 112 when I graduated, but I
think that would be impossible for me to realistically achieve unless I stopped
eating altogether for the remaining period of time. Even then I donít think I
would make it or if I did I would have to be wheeled in with all sorts of tubes
and bags hanging on me. Not a good impression. This might have a dampening effect
on the whole party.
I have to have a hair transplant and a full face lift. I need to do this in the
not so distant future since I want the scars to heal and for the surgery not to
be so obvious. I think hair transplants such as the one Joe Biden got are really
terrible, so I need to research what looks super natural. Oh, and Iíll need at
least 5 hours a day in the gym to tone and muscle up my sagging body.
last and probably most important part of this plan is to make a huge amount of
money to pay for all of the items Iíve outlined above. Of course you have to allow
for a complete new wardrobe for both my wife and myself. The money part is probably
the stickiest part of my plan.
realize I should have gotten started earlier, but some things just kept getting
in the way.
Among them were kids and grandkids, jobs, houses, parents,
taxes, health, school, and a raft of other things that seemed to occupy my time
for these past 50 years. I sit back and think to myself that it sure seemed as
if it flew by in a hurry. Just the other day it was 1960 and here it is 2008 already.
Whoa, that was quick.
think the last reunion I went to was my 25th. Someone on the organization committee
had printed the name tags in red ink. Trust me; you donít want to do this. No
one at the 25th wanted to be seen wearing glasses and the red ink in a dimly lit
ballroom made the names virtually impossible to read. So, everyone ended up squinting
and trying to grab a glimpse on the sly.
course it didnít help that everyone had changed. Few of us looked like we did
at age 18.
I donít know why, but when I look in the mirror I see the same
person I have always been. Itís when I am trying to run up several flights of
stairs or lift heavy objects that my body tends to fail. Iíve also noticed that
my eyesight isnít as sharp as it was before and my wife tells me I need to invest
in a hearing aid. I choose to believe I have selective hearing and will put off
the hearing aid as long as I can.
The good news is that I think by this
stage of the game, everyone should be past the point of trying to impress everyone
else. No limoís or other nonsense like that. No by this time in our lives I think
all of us would be wearing sensible shoes with good arch supports as well as comfortable
loose fitting clothing. Instead of your athletic prowess you should be glad to
show that you still have all of your own teeth. As well as other material parts
of your body.
old or older certainly isnít a lot of fun but it beats not growing older. I met
a guy at lunch today who was 88 and says he is still trying to figure out what
to do when he grows up. I want this to be my attitude. So many people are concerned
over what other people will think of them and to be honest no one really cares.
No one today will probably recall what you did or said 15 or 20 years from now.
Unless it was totally bizarre like my concept of a total body makeover and billionaire
status within the next 18 months.
Now that would get peopleís attention.
I just wonder if I have enough time to pull it off.
October 15, 2008 column
From North America
Syndicated weekly in 80 newspapers