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Abs Diet: The Six-Week Plan to Flatten Your Stomach and Keep You Lean for Life
Food and Diet|
by Peary Perry
year at this time, the air is filled with the prayers of the faithful who have
reached the limit their pants and skirts can stretch. Yes, friends it’s time to
break out the nastiest four-letter word we can possibly utter….
This year I’ve decided to get a head start on my annual pilgrimage towards
the torture of exercise and caloric reduction. No more pie, no more cake, no more
anything that remotely tastes good.
I vow to eat only things that are guaranteed to be non-fattening, things like
dirt, air and plain tap water. I call this the “basic survival drastic life change
diet” program. I may consider writing a book about all of the fun things you can
do with dirt to make it digestible. Besides the obvious recipes for mud pies,
we could have dirt dabber cookies, air cakes and multiple cocktails made with
plain old water. Be still my heart.
Having said all of that, I ran across
something in my e-mails that might need to be considered before I just jump out
there and endanger my life. After all, I have responsibilities, a family and a
dog that loves me dearly. I know he would hate for me to do anything rash that
might stem the flow of food in the bowl every day.
So, please read and
consider these relevant items:
Q: I've heard
that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart
is only good for so many beats, and that’s it...don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat
more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What
does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all.
Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water
out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also
made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some
of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ... Good Body
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried
these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting
a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle,
it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans....
another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Stay healthy, eat more
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is
good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important
for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' *is* a shape!
Well, I hope
this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets --
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid
in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand – strawberries and chocolate in the other
- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
© Peary Perry
Comments go to firstname.lastname@example.org
From North America - December
23 , 2004 column