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 Texas : Features : Columns : Letters From North America :
Letters From North America
by Peary Perry

Men and Tools
Peary Perry
The best argument I can think of for my opposition to the theory of evolution is the difference between the male and female sex.

If we are to believe that both sexes crawled out of the primordial soup billions of years ago, then how come there are two separate and distinct species, one male and one female? Seems to me we'd be the same and would have evolved as the same, not two separate and distinct beings.

And we are separate and distinct.

Last week I wrote about the odd things that happen to women when they are about to have a baby or are in the company of a new baby. These traits are definitely female oriented. Men need to study these and pay particular attention in order to preserve the domestic tranquility of his home if he knows what's good for him. I think that phrase is in the Constitution, if I'm not mistaken.

Women on the other hand, need to also recognize that men have particularities that might seem strange to the female line of reasoning, but are not questionable to any male.

For example, women will save every item that belongs to her children. From the wristband at the hospital to the first Mothers Day card and everything in between. Women are the primary reason for self storage lockers. Not there is anything wrong with this, since everyone knows you might need that progress report from Mrs. Wankels Kindergarten class when your child is running for President fifty years from now. These things are important to mothers. They aren't to fathers.

No, Fathers can look at a birthday card, Fathers Day card or whatever and toss it the next day without reservation. He knows he'll get another one next year. Same thing with toys. Mothers will hide their children's toys for generations and Fathers can decide to clean out the attic one weekend and out goes everything little Johnny played with for the first seven years of his life. The only reason we have antiques today is due mainly to the preservation of items by dominant women. "That table is staying; it belonged to my grandmother…" "But it's old"…."Yes..it is and it's going to get older…"

Men would have thrown those old things away years ago. Look at the scarcity of items from prehistoric days. This was in the time frame before storage units were invented. Men just tossed everything away when they got tired of them or needed the room.

With the exception of one thing…tools.

You go to any museum in the world today and you will most likely find tools from ancient times being displayed. Not toys, not baby clothes, not greeting cards, but tools.

Men have defied logic for thousands of years and kept tools which have survived the ice age, the industrial age and the rock and roll era as well. Men can throw everything else away except for a tool. I have chisels that I have owned for over forty years that have never been used. Who chisels? What could I chisel in my house? Nothing that I can think of. Nothing even comes to mind.

I have hundreds of perfectly good Allen wrenches. When is the last time I needed one of those? Couldn't tell you. But I've got them in case I need them. Most garages in this country have not one, but two sets of tools. Men have the set the kids can use, and then the set they hide, to be used for 'special' occasions. Women might set that scarf or dress aside with the explanation that she is 'saving' it for some special event in the future. Men will live in a condo unit in downtown Manhattan and buy a chain saw. For what? Do they think a forest is going to break out on 42nd Street? Will they be required to saw their way out of the building at some point in time? Women should take note here that these things are not to be questioned; it's just something you must live with and that cannot be explained in logical terms.

Come on now, you can admit it, you know you have some metric sockets hidden away that you don't want your teen age son to find. You're saving those aren't you? A missing tool is the same to a man as a mutiny is to a sea captain. Men will have at the most four or five pair of shoes, but seventeen Phillips head screwdrivers. You can never have enough Phillips head screwdrivers. A good Phillips head screwdriver is hard to find.

Men buy tools to be used for projects they will never in this lifetime complete or are qualified to even contemplate. I know accountants who have enough tools in their garage to overhaul complete engines and these men can't open the hoods on their cars, but they have the tools to do a complete valve job if they are ever called upon to do so. I suppose it has something to do with thinking we are in control and might, just might be called upon to change some spark plugs or a water pump. Into the Valley of Death rode the six hundred, that sort of thing. We have it in our minds that we must be prepared to give to God, country and the family car.

One last word of advice to women. Tools and sporting equipment such as fishing and hunting gear are the key connectors to men and their concept of mortality. Once you throw away his baseball glove that hasn't been used in thirty years or clean the garage and sell off those old tools he never uses, you might as well stick a fork in him.

He's done.

© Peary Perry

Comments go to pperry@austin.rr.com
Letters From North America
April 21 , 2004
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