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We became
curious about antique dealers years ago when we saw the movie "The
Highlander" and agreed with the premise that immortal people
would find this profession an excellent "cover". We also started
noticing certain characteristics that many antique dealers have
in common, the paramount one being patience. We visited the Texas
Escapes dayroom to see who was available for assignment and found
only our geography editor, Tim Buktu. He was adding newly-formed
republics to his 1919 hardwood globe, bringing it up to date with
our Myrna Loy calendar of 1929. We had him sign for his pencil and
pad and told him to be back by five the next day. The following
is what he was able to uncover. - Editor
First
of all, if antique dealers are immortal, they're not telling anyone.
If they did, It would cause a panic and some yahoo would probably
shoot them to see if it was true. Even if they didn't die, it would
still hurt like the Dickens. We can understand why they wouldn't
appear on Jerry Springer.
Secondly, yes,
they are patient. They have to be. I also learned that they do not
hear the words: " Hey, we had one of those!" Hearing variations
of this phrase a zillion times has burned out the receptors in their
anvils and stirrups or boots and saddles or whatever those things
are in your ear. You can shout it at the top of your lungs with
spittle flying from your mouth and they won't look up from their
1836 Almanac.
Thirdly, they
don't keep regular hours, so that helps the immortal theory. You
never know what kind of time-travel or immortal mischef they're
engaging in while you're at work.
Their encyclopedic
knowledge of antiques, poor driving skills, and the fact that their
clothes are usually out of fashion, all indicate that this "immortal
thing" just might be true. If you return your Alamo relic because
you doubt its authenticity and they bring it back signed: "Best
Wishes, Bill Travis," then you have a right to suspect them.
I visited Old
Bank Antiques in Flatonia, Merle's Shoppe at Alum Creek Antiques
in Bastrop and Royal's Antiques in Lockhart in compiling this story.
If you suspect your favorite Antique Dealer is immortal consult
our Top Ten Ways to Tell If Your Antique
Dealer is An Immortal.
- Tim Buktu, Geography Editor
© John Troesser
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