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Your
Simplified Horrorscope
by Sister Latrina |
| Herein
you shall find no mythological creatures and no placemats telling you who you
should or shouldn't have married. To get your simplified horrorscope, just read
the prediction under the day of the week on which you were born. If you don't
remember the day that you were born, ask your mother - she'll remember. The predicted
incidents may occur this month or next. If they don't - don't worry about it.
They'll occur eventually - if not to you, then to someone else. - Sister L. |
Texas
Escapes offers Sister Latrina's Horrorscope as an amusement only. Void where prohibited.
Sister Latrina would like to remind her readers that indictments are NOT the same
as convictions.
Monday:
Someone will tear a page out of your home phone directory that you will need later
in the year. The culprit may be a family member or a co-worker. In either case
- the page remover will have a tattoo on the back of his / her neck that looks
like an Alien vaccination scar.
There is a 60% chance that it is a yellow
page.
Tuesday:
Your spouse's car will break down on the way
home from work. He / she will be given a ride home by a red-headed saxophone player
of the opposite sex. The car is a Volvo or Subaru with a bent radio antenna and
bad shocks. Do not let this person near your children.
Wednesday:
You will stop for a train. The engineer was born on your birth date - but not
necessarily your birth year. If he sees you, you might seem to receive a telepathic
message - but the words are garbled. Wave and nod your head as if you understood
every word.
Thursday:
A co-worker will be electrocuted on
the job and you will be suspected of murder. You will be interrogated and released
after several hours, but you will have missed lunch. Keep some extra food in your
desk.
Friday:
Your hometown library will discard a book you
once enjoyed and burn it in a public bonfire. Casually ask the lowest-ranking
library staff member if there happens to be a list of patrons that had checked
out the burned books.
Saturday:
You will be given your change
from an ethnic restaurant in a foreign currency. The host will attempt to explain
that it "enhances the full ethnic dining experience." Pay by check.
Sunday:
You encounter two Wal-Mart employees engaged in a personal
conversation about their husband's trucks and / or their children's sports activities.
You are ignored. Don't take it personally.
Bonus Prediction
You will receive an urgent email message from a former politician in West Africa
needing your assistance to transfer a great sum of money. They are not who they
claim to be.
© Sister Latrina
"They
shoe horses, don't they?"
February 3, 2004
*We can
not disclose the real identity of Sister Latrina since both her agent and her
working contract forbid it. We can say that she is considered a (minor) celebrity
in certain parts of South Texas. She might be a local television personality.
We are allowed to say that she has appeared in several foreign Soap Operas and
once on The Gong Show.
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