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 Texas : Feature : Columns : "They shoe horses, don't they?"

Your Simplified Horrorscope

by Sister Latrina
Herein you shall find no mythological creatures and no placemats telling you who you should or shouldn't have married. To get your simplified horrorscope, just read the prediction under the day of the week on which you were born. If you don't remember the day that you were born, ask your mother - she'll remember. The predicted incidents may occur this month or next. If they don't - don't worry about it. They'll occur eventually - if not to you, then to someone else. - Sister L.

Texas Escapes offers Sister Latrina's Horrorscope as an amusement only. Void where prohibited. Sister Latrina would like to remind her readers that indictments are NOT the same as convictions.

Monday:
Someone will tear a page out of your home phone directory that you will need later in the year. The culprit may be a family member or a co-worker. In either case - the page remover will have a tattoo on the back of his / her neck that looks like an Alien vaccination scar.

There is a 60% chance that it is a yellow page.

Tuesday:
Your spouse's car will break down on the way home from work. He / she will be given a ride home by a red-headed saxophone player of the opposite sex. The car is a Volvo or Subaru with a bent radio antenna and bad shocks. Do not let this person near your children.

Wednesday:
You will stop for a train. The engineer was born on your birth date - but not necessarily your birth year. If he sees you, you might seem to receive a telepathic message - but the words are garbled. Wave and nod your head as if you understood every word.

Thursday:
A co-worker will be electrocuted on the job and you will be suspected of murder. You will be interrogated and released after several hours, but you will have missed lunch. Keep some extra food in your desk.

Friday:
Your hometown library will discard a book you once enjoyed and burn it in a public bonfire. Casually ask the lowest-ranking library staff member if there happens to be a list of patrons that had checked out the burned books.

Saturday:
You will be given your change from an ethnic restaurant in a foreign currency. The host will attempt to explain that it "enhances the full ethnic dining experience." Pay by check.

Sunday:
You encounter two Wal-Mart employees engaged in a personal conversation about their husband's trucks and / or their children's sports activities. You are ignored. Don't take it personally.


Bonus Prediction
You will receive an urgent email message from a former politician in West Africa needing your assistance to transfer a great sum of money. They are not who they claim to be.


Sister Latrina
"They shoe horses, don't they?"
February 3, 2004

*We can not disclose the real identity of Sister Latrina since both her agent and her working contract forbid it. We can say that she is considered a (minor) celebrity in certain parts of South Texas. She might be a local television personality. We are allowed to say that she has appeared in several foreign Soap Operas and once on The Gong Show.
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