IN OUR BOOMER SELVES
By Gael Montana
Salt & Pepper Panther
dodge and duck the inevitability of the ever-looming 'Golden Years'
but they will prevail upon us all and, these days, the 'gold' (or
lack of it) is the operative word. My husband and I listen patiently
to pundits spew invaluable advice on how to manage the eventual bankruptcy
of old age, but they all seem to miss our personal mark, somehow.
'Keep that chunk of money in the bank', 'put it in the market and
let it 'work' for you!', ‘bury it in the yard’, blah, blah, blah,
Ok…WHAT chunk of money are they talking about? The one we spent on
organic vegetables last week? Everyone knows organics keep you healthy
for many years, as opposed to the genetically engineered ‘freaktables’
that have human/sheep/alien genes in them. But what good does that
do if you can’t afford to get old? The huge corporate farms are striving
to develop produce that will tell them when they need water & fertilizer
then pick themselves and walk to market on their own.
Back to the alleged ‘CHUNK of money’ that has, over the years, become
somewhat of a sliver: we worry over what to do with it and how to
supplement our waning years so as to have lots of fun and frolic without
the worry of complete financial collapse. Raise a flag, we’ve finally
figured it out! It's really pretty clear-cut and easy. Collapse early
and avoid the rush!
a basic five-point plan…
1.) Get a shotgun, a bunch of rock salt, a few boxes of fine wine
and a rocking chair for your starter portfolio.
2.) Secede from the Union, ASAP. You can probably find a lawyer among
the 75,000 on TV advertising their expertise in getting everyone out
of everything. If you are convincing in pointing out the veracity
of this strategy there should be no problem retaining him/her.
3.) Declare war on the U.S.
4.) Surrender immediately.
5.) Go on foreign aid.
You'll be set up for life, get your barn re-built and, if you're lucky,
they'll even build a wall around your place!
We actually figured all of this out in Luckenbach
with the wise guidance of Hondo Crouch back in or about the summer
of 1974. Sadly, by the time we all took turns buying one another a
beer to celebrate our breakthrough, we forgot to implement the plan.
It was a wonderful idea then and is probably even more workable, now.
I'm not sure exactly how the rules of engagement would shake down,
but chances are they would be much more fun than they are terrifying.
I'm thinking banjo music for an anthem and an organic cotton shopping
bag on a cedar tree for a flag. Keep it simple so as not to cultivate
so maybe that's just a little simplistic (ya' THINK?!) but the concept
is definitely do-able. We guess secession is not the answer but riding
our horses in smaller circles could be. Staying home and spending
our energy on our own little nests will still yield the best return,
save gas and make us SO much happier! It’s a pretty good bet we’ll
be too busy to be telling everybody else ‘what’, as well. There's
definitely something about the instant gratification of tending your
own garden that makes the world a little brighter every day. My greatest
joy is walking out our door in the morning to see the new flowers,
herbs and leaves in the Spring...everything so happy and green. Picking
a fresh tomato, a new shallot & a leaf of basil for breakfast and
eating it in the clear morning air is indescribably delicious in every
way. On the other hand, dragging a bag of tasteless, 'on the vine'
tomatoes from the grocery store, storing them for days then trying
to salt them up for juice is just plain trying. Trying TOO HARD, in
my book. Here we are in an area that has at least nine months of growing
season and we're paying more for vegetables than we are for gas.
Back to the point...we'll have nice fresh vegetables and time to tend
them when we're not burning up the highways & stressing our nerves
to make enough money to buy our food along with the gas to fetch it
home safely from miles and miles away. There won't be weird stuff
on or IN it, and we can feed the overage to chickens that will give
us eggs and meat for our trouble. There's enough venison on the hoof
to keep us in meat from now on, and I daresay a pig in the smokehouse
is no problem either. Hogs are quite busy in our area, still. Squirrel
dumplings? YOU BET! There's enough forage-able food and medicine in
these old hills to keep us engaged in healthy pursuits for all of
our remaining years. So, there's our plan. We’ll try to stay busy
and healthy and connect with the world we live in on it's own terms
instead of some nebulous ‘style-plan’ from some trendy magazine. Take
care of the land & it will take care of you.
Not a 'liberal' view, not a 'conservative' view...nothing new or partisan
about it. It's just a truth we cannot deny. If you think poison in
and on our food is working, check it against the graphs in the medical
community. It’s pretty frightening what kind of odd spikes are showing
up in our health profiles; particularly in the good old USA. Monsanto,
in their ever generous attempt to feed the world, has now developed
beets that resist it's own, deadly, 'round-up' systemic poison, which
means we'll have sugar full of round-up...OH JOY. I think that translates
into poisonous systemic poison, a shoe-in award winner at the department
of redundancy department. Meanwhile, if you plant your crops from
your own seeds, harvested from the vegetables Monsanto developed,
they’ll burn your crops out. Not so friendly now, Bucko.
Ok that's it...either you get the picture, or you don't...but we figure
dirt to be our best bet for a lasting investment. Plus, it's a place
to be planted when you take that last big step off the edge. It's
a very modern 'win-win', 'no-brainer', 'sound-byte' kind of thing
and we like the idea of minding our own business and alleviating the
burden from others of minding it for us. I guess it has to do with
getting old and in the way, but being home at last is the thing we
aspire to in the end. It just takes a little mercy and a lot of patience.
Copyright Gael Montana
'The View from Under the Bus' May 26,