Dear Mayor Bloombergby
I know I donít live in New York City, but I am planning
on moving up there just as soon as I can afford it. I was reading about your new
program and I think itís just great. I would like to apply now for my benefits
since Iím certain you would also want to extend these to anyone even thinking
about moving to your great city. I understand that Seattle is thinking about starting
the same program, so Iíll have to be honest and tell you that the first one who
starts sending me the money each month is going to get me and my extended family.
I just need to ask a few questions to make certain I understand how your new program
is going to work.
As I understand it, my kids get $300 each for doing
well on any school test. That is really helpful since I am bringing my four sons
as well as three others that I am in the process of adopting who belong to my
dearly departed sister. I donít think that will pose any problem do you? By the
way, can you define the term Ďwellí? Are the papers going to be graded on the
old outdated and unfair A-F system or are you going to grade on the curveÖ taking
into consideration our boys previous school experiences and abilities? I mean
several of those kids of my sisters can hardly read or write and theyíre in their
teens. The last schools they attended just promoted them because they were too
big to still be in the fifth grade. Rufus couldnít fit in one of those tiny desks
any longer. He was depressed over it and had to take pills for the next several
years. It bothers me to see a boy his size crying.
I notice that your
program gives me $150 a month for holding down a job; I suppose this applies to
my wife as well, but does that also hold true for any of my boys who work part
time after school? It sure would help if it did. By the way, what kind of a job
does this have to be? I mean, can we just tell you we have a job, or will we be
forced to actually prove it? Will we have to do some verifiable work in order
to keep those checks rolling in on time? Your plan to give us $200 every time
we go to the doctor or dentist certainly will take the strain off of us having
to pay those nasty old co-payments. I have asthma and my wife needs adjustments
to her back several times a week, so we go to the doctor at least 10 times a month,
thatís another $2,000 a month, right there. The boys are pretty healthy, so weíll
save you some money there. I would like to add that I donít know how long that
will last; they may not be able to adjust to your climate. One of the boys, Homer
has bad teeth so you better be on notice, he might have to make a bunch of trips
once we arrive. You do have plenty of money for these programs donít you? Iíd
hate to move Momma and the kids up there and have you just pull the rug out from
under usÖ.how would we get ever get back to Texas?
I notice that you
are also paying $25 each time we go to a parent teacher conference, well, to be
honest, we havenít made too many of those yet, but with seven kids in school in
your program you can count on us attending each and every one. By the way, is
that $25 for each of us or just one parent and do we have to stay for any certain
amount of time? Those things can get really boring, if you know what I mean.
I also notice that you are agreeable to paying for any bus or subway fares that
any of us might need. Might I suggest that you look into just biting the bullet
and swing for us a car instead? I donít mean to complain but the bus stops and
the subway station might just be too inconvenient for us and we might have to
walk to get to them. Nothing fancy, maybe some late model American car, Iíd hate
for you to be sending any money overseas to those foreigners.
yes before I forget itÖ..just be thinking about how they work the housing in Seattle.
You might want to think about this while youíre at it. In Seattle they are offering
people a free place to live as long as you stay drunk. They figure it only costs
about $11,000 a year to pay for housing for the homeless (me, the wife and our
kids) and it costs over $100,000 a year to put us in jail or any other facility
to dry out. The only requirement is that you have to drink a lot. I donít now,
but might have too, if I want the housing allowance. I donít know how the little
woman feels about this, but Iíll ask.
Thanks for developing your new plan.
I salute you and the city leaders of Seattle as well. Your forward thinking just
shows you that the government can indeed take care of us from the cradle to the
grave. Makes me proud to be an American.
Iíll be in touch and let you
know when I arrive.
Dear readerÖ.the above is no jokeÖboth
cities are sincerely looking at these programsÖsad isnít it? Who pays for this
kind of nonsense? We do, thatís who.