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Stop the Presses

by Peary Perry
Peary Perry

Stop the presses….or something like that. I've always wanted to say that. Anyway, here is a major news flash just in for you to cogitate while drinking your coffee and eating your cold cereal.

Your senators in Washington seem to be somewhat irked at the fact that private, yes private citizens have had the nerve and temerity to use the senators' private elevators.

Can you just imagine the shame of it all? I mean to think that our elected officials in the nations' capital are subjected daily to being actually touched by the peasants who are visiting the city. What an outrage. Several senators have stated, "Sometimes you have to push your way through to get out of the elevator." At times they have also been forced to ride in the same elevator as members of their own staff. Can you imagine how embarrassing this might be to actually be in a small room like an elevator with some of the very people who actually work for you? God, this is terrible.

Another Senator complained about the "Terrific crowding."

In fact it has gotten so bad, several senators were complaining that at times they actually had to use…"PUBLIC" elevators.

What kind of a world are we living in folks?

To think that tourists, yes I said tourists, might actually find themselves on the same elevator as a senator just boggles my mind. The shame of it all. I am certain that a number of senators have decided to leave for some informal trade junkets just to get away from this tragedy. Wait a minute, when they go to Africa and Asia on those junkets; don't they send back pictures of them out and about among the natives with flies and unwashed bodies all around them? Do you suppose that means that those people in the elevators are the unwashed of our country and are bringing in flies into our nations capital as well? Perish the thought.

To make matters worse, hold on because there's more.

On the public elevators, they have BUTTONS for the public to push for the floors they want. On the senate (PRIVATE) elevators they have elevator attendants who push the buttons for the floors that the senators want to go to. The senators are upset that sometimes they have had to actually push the buttons for their own floors. I cannot believe the tragedy of all of this. This is simply too much to bear. I don't understand how they can even report to work or sleep at night with this kind of stress.

It makes you wonder how much a elevator attendant in the capital makes per year with all of their benefits and whatever. I bet it isn't minimum wage. What do you bet? I'd also be willing to bet that these guys have been on those things for years and years…..

The senators justified their need for this little perks by saying that it gets them between floors in a hurry and allows them to participate in the legislative process which is necessary to keep this country running.

I don't know about you, but I stopped riding on elevators with attendants on them about 40 years ago. I know how to punch a button for the floor that I want and I can move to the back of the elevator to let folks on and make my way to the front when I want to get off. I have been in elevators in a lot of counties in the world and it works the same in most of them. I cannot think of a time where I just stood in an elevator and did nothing unless someone pushed the button for me.

Hey, wait a minute that reminds me…don't these guys push a button when they want to vote? I mean they don't hold up their hands or send little notes up to the front of the senate chamber do they? So, if they actually push a button to vote, they must know how to do it, don't they? Why couldn't that experience be passed along to those elevators and we could save some tax dollars each year?

But then again, how do we know that the senators themselves actually punch their buttons to vote? Maybe they have somebody doing it for them as well….

Where are Woodward and Bernstein when we need them?

© Peary Perry
Letters From North America >

August 10, 2006 column
Syndicated weekly in 80 newspapers
Comments go to www.pearyperry.com

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