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 Texas : Features : Columns : "The Girl Detective's Theory of Everything"

Baffle 'Em With Grannyspeak!

by Elizabeth Bussey Sowdal
Elizabeth Bussey Sowdal
My husband and I, when we are feeling too happy and too hopeful and think that we ought to come back down to Earth for a bit, sometimes discuss The Future. Among our favorite sub-topics are the likely demise of Social Security three minutes before we are eligible for it, the snail's pace growth of our 401K plans and the likelihood that it will not matter how much is in those 401K plans of ours because, given our average run of luck, some dastardly accountant will probably abscond with them anyway. My husband predicts that we will be living on bean. I say I like beans. He says, not beans. Bean. One bean a day and that's it.

But I have a plan. And it is brilliant! We will beat Them at Their own game. Who are They? They are the people who will cancel Social Security and run away with the life savings of innocent victims. And how will we beat Them at Their own game? Easy. We will rob banks. And what will happen when we are caught? We will baffle them with Grannyspeak. Here's how it will go down . . .

We rob a few banks and stuff the money inside the not very neatly hand embroidered throw pillows on our lumpy, smelly sofa. Our sofa will smell like a nice mix of Listerine, old paperback murder mysteries and garlic. This part is important. To set the stage. The police will knock on the door. I will answer it.

"Why hello there Hunny Bunny! Where ya been? Now, do you want the straight one or the star one? You know, to fix the dingy. The dingy. You know the dingalingathingy. The knock knock, who's there thingy ringy deal. Never mind Cutie Pie, you can do it later. Honey! Michael! Johnny is here! Not Johnny? Oh ha, ha! You always were one for kidding around. Want some pie? I picked the green bits off the crust and the cat only licked on the left side. Or was it the right side? No worries! I'll get you a bit out of the middle! Now just sit down on the sofa, there you go! Let me put this nice pillow behind your back. Now wait a minute. Is that the pillow I use when I'm shaving my corns? Hmm. Well, never mind. It's either this one or the other one. Bank? Oh thank you, honey! Michael! Johnny wants to take us to the bank! He'll just be a few minutes Mr. Sunny Bunny, and then you can take us to the bank. Nixon masks? Michael, do we have any Nixon masks? I don't know that we do have any masks at all, Cushy Tushy! Oh now! Him's never too big to be Granny's Cushy Tushy, no him isn't, him never will be! Who's your friend? Here, let me give him a pillow. Masks? That's funny, I think somebody else asked me about masks recently. You boys going to a party? Nixon? No, now maybe we had a Kissinger mask one time. Hmm. Michael! Which one was the handsome one? Nixon or Kissinger? Which one was married to Pamela Anderson? Wait now! I'm getting mixed up. You were married to Pamela Anderson, weren't you Pimple Dimples? Oh now, don't bow up so, you'll grow out of them. But I think Granny told you before that they'll only get worse if you keep taking those long, long, long showers. Oh now! Don't mind me! I'm just joshing! But really Poppin' Fresh, it got so that the whole family was talking about it. So, now, was it the straight one or star one? That you wanted? For the deal. The thingy. Ding Dong the Witch is dead, which old witch. I hear you knockin', but you can't come in. Straight or star? Now, what could be keeping Michael?"

Brilliant! I am a genius! I am surprised that lots of old people haven't thought of this plan before. Or haven't they? Wait a minute! I think I'm on to something! That little befuddled old lady at the grocery, the one who cut in front of me in line - the one I just smiled at in a kindly and indulgent way. Maybe she wasn't befuddled! Maybe, just maybe, she knew exactly what she was doing! Maybe this idea of mine isn't so original after all. Man, oh man! Suddenly I can't wait for my Sunset Years! Absolute impunity from any consequences! Zero repercussions! The world will be my oyster! Bwahhhahhahhaahaaa!
Elizabeth Bussey Sowdal
"The Girl Detective's Theory of Everything" >
December 1, 2006 Column
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