let's get the obvious out of the way. 2020 was the year of COVID-19,
also known as corona (minus the lime), the plague, the super crud,
or, as my dad calls it (and most other contagious illnesses), "the
rooty-gootus." But what else happened in 2020?
Well, in addition to the global pandemic, China became the international
Amazon.com of unwanted express deliveries. Remember the Asian murder
hornets? I'm still plugging up my nostrils and ear canals when I sleep.
And what about the Chinese mystery seeds? The harvest from those should
be reaching your local farmers market and Walmart produce aisle soon.
And then there were the double hurricanes, Laura and Marco, like some
kind of WWE wrestling co-ed tag team from Hell. (I'm not sure we can
blame China for that one, but there will undoubtedly be an expensive
and time-consuming congressional investigation to find out for sure.)
And speaking of the government and professional wrestling, the nation
witnessed a presidential steel-cage death match featuring two elderly
politicians who tried to outdo one another with their criminally awkward
dancing, cringey verbal gaffes and toddleresque insults. At least
we were assured that no matter who won, the vast majority of Americans
could claim to be "cooler" than the President.
But enough of petty concerns like presidential elections and deadly
invasive insects. Let's get to the good stuff, and I don't mean "Tiger
My eldest and most expensive daughter became a high school senior
in 2020, which, despite the limitations imposed by COVID-19 protocol,
has required the purchase of enough formal gowns and party dresses
(sometimes for a single photo) to supply an entire season of Dancing
with the Stars. At least next year should be less expensive when she
goes to college. Oh, wait . . . .
My middle daughter has maintained her yearly tradition of elevating
my stress level to DEFCON 1 by spending most of 2020 with her current
boyfriend. He's a nice kid, and I know it's a natural process for
young people her age to date, but I can't help sometimes wishing that
she would decide to enter a convent-at least temporarily-even though
we aren't Catholic.
My youngest daughter started junior high this year. Junior high can
be tough on kids, especially late developers like me who still played
with action figures and took a while to learn exactly where to spray
the deodorant. I'm happy to say that my daughter didn't inherit the
nerd gene, and has done well socially and academically. And although
she's convinced that math was invented by radical academic terrorists,
she still thinks boys are stupid. I call that a win!
I guess my most memorable accomplishment in 2020, other than not driving
my saintly wife of thirty years to the point of poisoning my tea with
hand sanitizer or smothering me with a 10-pack of hygienic face masks,
was learning to cook homemade shrimp fettuccini Alfredo during quarantine.
Now, I realize that this is no big deal to some folks, but to a dude
who sometimes has trouble with microwave popcorn, it's huge. In fact,
if I could meet the original Alfredo, I'd thank him, give him a hearty
fist bump, and suggest that he talk to his doctor about LIPITOR.
Regardless of how your year has been, we can all anticipate a 2021
with hope for effective vaccines, a recovering economy, and enough
peace of mind to finally use our massive stockpiles of toilet paper.
Most of all, we can be happy that we're now looking at 2020 in the
rearview mirror-even though it's probably tailgating us, dressed like
Joe Exotic and considering an act of road rage involving murder hornets.