August in Texas, which, at the best of times, is like living inside
the molten contents of one of those fried mozzarella sticks that I
always steal from my youngest daughter's order at the Sonic Drive
In. This year, though, the summer heat is throwing a good old fashioned
Environmental experts have suggested that the heat dome oozing across
the nation is caused by a combination of cattle flatulence, exhaust
from my fully-paid-for 2013 SUV with its overexerted check engine
light, and something called El Niño, which comes from a Spanish word
meaning, "Don't forget to put on extra deodorant."
Whatever the cause, I've compiled a few tips on what to avoid in order
to survive these drawer-drenching temperatures.
First, and speaking of deodorant, don't skimp on it. However much
you've been wearing, it's not enough. Go ahead and slather it on like
you're icing a cake with buttercream frosting. (If only it tased like
that.) You'll thank me later, and so will your spouse, kids, colleagues
and the people sitting near you at church. (They don't call it a "pew"
Next, when taking your doglets out to soil your lawn (which probably
resembles Shredded Wheat cereal by now), slip on your wife's nearby
wedge-style sandals to avoid standing barefoot on any hard, sunlit
surface. Without protection, the exposed skin on the bottom of your
feet will look like a microwaved cheese pizza by the time the doglets
are finished sniffing each other and circling their drop zone at least
fifteen times. Besides, the sandals will accentuate your calves.
You should also banish any notions about going outdoors shirtless,
heaving your dad-bod into a lounge chair and absorbing some natural
vitamin D while enjoying your secret Taylor Swift playlist on Spotify.
Otherwise, you'll risk falling asleep to the sweetly mournful refrains
of "All Too Well" and waking up an hour later with your scorched torso
looking like you just performed an epic belly-buster off the high
Finally, it's best not to allow your eldest and most expensive daughter
to move out of her current college apartment, located in East-Central
Texas where the heat and humidity go to party. Since your daughter
is majoring in the Hoarding Arts with a minor in Thrift Store Studies,
you'll have to make several exhausting trips from her apartment to
the least expensive, un-air-conditioned storage unit you can find.
The facility was clearly built with someone's scratch-off lottery
winnings and is located in the parched outer reaches of civilizationwith
security provided by the local livestock. While there, in addition
to some hypersonic sweating, you'll maintain a steady level of paranoia
that the door of the storage unit will fall shut with you inside,
and you'll be baked into a slightly hairy cobbler.
I hope these tips help you enjoy (or at least endure) the rest of
what seems like a never-ending summer of temperatures that make you
long for the good old days of highs in the lower 90's and an only
once-daily change of underwear. Until a cool front arrives, pray for
rain, and keep some emergency deodorant on standby.