After
watching the daily COVID-19 coverage on CNN, I've found that the best
way to overcome lingering thoughts of depression, hopelessness, and
Chris Cuomo is by going on a brisk walk around our neighborhood with
my wife. Not only do we get some exercise, but it also gives us a
chance to vent about the worries and frustrations of living with three
teenage daughters during a pandemic, which makes us feel depressed
and hopeless again, but at least we're exhausted and sweaty.
Really, though, I'm not sure how much actual exercise we get on these
power strolls-other than when we're assaulted by one of those invisible
ninja spider webs and have a synchronized full-body cardio freak-out
in the middle of the street. We then pray that nobody saw us and that
the spider hasn't set up housekeeping in our underwear.
Because we usually walk late in the evening, I often carry an old
broom handle, both for protection and so that I can pretend like I'm
Gandalf from "The Lord of the Rings." You never know when you might
have to face an orc, goblin, or the neighbor's flesh-eating Chihuahua
mix.
On a few of our walks, we've seen actual wildlife, and I don't mean
children on those electric scooters. No, I mean real woodland creatures
not normally found frolicking around yard art and garage sales. Recently
while walking at night, we stumbled upon a large copperhead snake
rippling across the warm pavement. After we shared a special moment
together admiring its natural beauty-we both rushed back home for
a fresh pair of Nike shorts. As we were passing by our house on another
evening walk, my wife spotted what appeared to be an obese housecat
in need of a substance-abuse intervention waddling underneath my eldest
daughter's car. When I squatted down to identify the creature, I came
eye-to-eye with a corpulent opossum huddling directly under the drain
plug-and I couldn't even talk him into doing a quick oil change.
Speaking of untamed animals, we always invite our daughters to join
us on our walks. Usually, they respond by looking up at us from their
cell phones as if we just asked them to crawl over hot shards of broken
glass using only their lips and eyeballs. Occasionally, though, our
middle daughter accompanies us and uses it as an opportunity to demonstrate
that no matter how little exercise she gets on a daily basis, she
can still make both of her parents look and feel like disabled Galapagos
tortoises as she sprints up hills and runs in circles around us. Even
so, it gives us an opportunity to have some quality time visiting
with her-until she announces that she is going to jog the rest of
the way home because I've started asking questions about her current
boyfriend-like whether or not she approves of his deodorant.
Over the past few months, I've really come to depend on these daily
walks with my wife, and I think she enjoys them, as well. Eventually,
I'll probably wind up like one of those elderly dudes taking laps
around the local shopping mall concourse in my nylon training suit,
listing ever so slightly toward the Victoria's Secret store when I
pass by. Until then, I'll continue to hit the streets of our neighborhood
so I can try to forget about COVID-19 for a while, breathe some fresh
air, and entertain the neighbors when I walk through a spider web. |
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