TexasEscapes.com HOME Welcome to Texas Escapes
A magazine written by Texas
Custom Search
New   |   Texas Towns   |   Ghost Towns   |   Counties   |   Trips   |   Features   |   Columns   |   Architecture   |   Images   |   Archives   |   Site Map


Columns



Texas | Columns | "Quips and Salsa"

Who says there's no crying in baseball?


by Jase Graves
Jase Graves

Even with this year's emotionally jarring MLB season featuring widespread fan misbehavior, COVID-19 postponements, and a game suspension caused by a shooting in Washington, D.C., it's generally accepted (as stated by Jimmy Dugan in the film "A League of Their Own") that "There's no crying in baseball." Well, apparently, Tom Hanks has never been a fan of the hapless, heartbreaking Texas Rangers. The Rangers are currently having one of their worst seasons ever, and that's saying something.

In fact, the only time I've ever "almost" wept over a sporting event (other than that time I accidentally put on my athletic cup backwards in junior high football) was in game six of the 2011 World Series when the Rangers lost to St. Louis after coming within one strike of winning the whole box of puppies — twice. I was so distraught that I could barely bring myself to watch them go down in ultimate defeat in game seven, wishing I had chosen, instead, to witness something less tragic — like a double feature of "Old Yeller" and "Titanic."

And here they are again, stumbling through the 2021 season like President Joe Biden trying to navigate a spiral staircase on roller skates. But that didn't stop me from joining my family on a recent trip to Arlington, Texas, to watch the perennially putrid Rangers suffer in brand-new Globe Life Field, which, from the outside, looks like a giant mobile home under construction.

Fortunately, we were gifted with some tickets in a luxury suite with its own private restroom, which makes nine innings of slaughter a bit more tolerable. The suite included a buffet of hamburgers, hot dogs, nachos, sodas, popcorn, candy, peanuts, ice cream and all the other reasons we needed a private restroom.

Once the initial novelty wore off (after about two pitches) and I had devoured every edible item in the suite, my youngest teenage daughter grew bored and began accusing me of causing climate change by throwing peanut shells on the floor of the seating area. She then challenged me in a mixed-martial-arts tickle fight. Did I mention we had a private restroom?

My middle daughter insisted on spending the bulk of the game exploring the stadium's concession areas on a quest for sushi. Yes, that's right, sushi — at a baseball game. And, to my disbelief, she found some — for only about the price of an official Texas Rangers jersey signed by Nolan Ryan and stained with the blood of Robin Ventura. Naturally, I tried some of this elusive ballpark cuisine. Did I mention we had a private restroom?

Watching the Rangers flail around on the field brought back memories of my own ignominious experience with America's pastime in little league. Although my longsuffering dad tried his best to help me hold the bat correctly, keep my eye on the ball, and stop gnawing on my glove in the outfield, I never could accept that being an effective baseball player required occasional running-and practice doing something other than visiting the concession stand.

Still, though, I did enjoy our family trips to the old Arlington Stadium to watch the Rangers lose in the 1970's. I remember the faint aroma of cigarette smoke mingled with cotton candy, popcorn, and all the ballpark delights to distract a kid from whatever the score was at the time. At one game, Mom and Dad even bought me a little stuffed Texas Rangers doll that I named "Billy Martin" after the volatile and often hilarious Rangers manager at the time. These days, I only get out my Billy Martin doll when the Rangers make a rare, ill-fated playoff run (or during scary thunderstorms.)

Yes, the Texas Rangers are having an embarrassing season — again. Yes, they have resorted to slinging second-rate sushi at their stadium. And I still haven't forgiven them for kinda sorta making me cry when they lost the World Series. But they do have their moments, and I can't help rooting (secretly) for the team I loved as a kid, especially when I can go to a game and have my own private restroom.


Jase Graves
"Quips and Salsa" 7-27-21 column



Jase Grave's "Quips and Salsa" columns
Humor


  • Keep Austin's Doughnuts Weird 7-16-21
  • Kayaking for couples, a tragicomedy 6-28-21
  • Everything's wetter in Texas 6-14-21
  • Teach a man to fish, or not 6-2-21
  • To my graduating senior - who made me a senior 5-17-21

    more »


  • More Columns

    Texas Escapes Online Magazine »   Archive Issues » Home »
    TEXAS TOWNS & COUNTIES TEXAS LANDMARKS & IMAGES TEXAS HISTORY & CULTURE TEXAS OUTDOORS MORE
    Texas Counties
    Texas Towns A-Z
    Texas Ghost Towns

    TEXAS REGIONS:
    Central Texas North
    Central Texas South
    Texas Gulf Coast
    Texas Panhandle
    Texas Hill Country
    East Texas
    South Texas
    West Texas

    Courthouses
    Jails
    Churches
    Schoolhouses
    Bridges
    Theaters
    Depots
    Rooms with a Past
    Monuments
    Statues

    Gas Stations
    Post Offices
    Museums
    Water Towers
    Grain Elevators
    Cotton Gins
    Lodges
    Stores
    Banks

    Vintage Photos
    Historic Trees
    Cemeteries
    Old Neon
    Ghost Signs
    Signs
    Murals
    Gargoyles
    Pitted Dates
    Cornerstones
    Then & Now

    Columns: History/Opinion
    Texas History
    Small Town Sagas
    Black History
    WWII
    Texas Centennial
    Ghosts
    People
    Animals
    Food
    Music
    Art

    Books
    Cotton
    Texas Railroads

    Texas Trips
    Texas Drives
    Texas State Parks
    Texas Rivers
    Texas Lakes
    Texas Forts
    Texas Trails
    Texas Maps
    USA
    MEXICO
    HOTELS

    Site Map
    About Us
    Privacy Statement
    Disclaimer
    Contributors
    Staff
    Contact Us

     
    Website Content Copyright Texas Escapes LLC. All Rights Reserved