Maggie Van Ostrand
Queen may eschew a prince's wedding, entertainers may stand trial
for murder and molestation, and infamous journalists may blow their
drug-riddled brains out, but there'll always be one constant: Cher
on another farewell tour or, as it's affectionately dubbed, "The Never-Say-Goodbye
No matter how many farewell tours this legendary rock 'n' roller sells
out, there will always be more to come as long as there's a plastic
surgeon available to keep her face above her neck and do the necessary
lipo-buttsucking to keep her adoring public happy. As long as the
illusion lives, Cher herself does not need to be alive.
Salon has discovered that Cher committed to continue her Farewell
Tour even after she herself has gone to the Big Reservation in the
Sky. In fact, there's a rumor going around that she actually passed
away soon after Sonny hit that tree. Rumor has it that Sonny is more
popular in Washington now than he was before he took up skiing.
It has been alleged that Cher was stuffed by Dave Geffen who continues
to record her on his newest record label, Dead Yet Alive, and who
will act as her agent in accepting a role where Cher's remains are
scheduled to play the lead voice in "Daughter of the Mask," currently
As brilliant at keeping her name in the media as is Michael Jackson,
Cher's latest coup de maitre occurred recently during the third year
of her Living Proof farewell tour in Auckland, New Zealand. She slammed
competitive divas J.Lo and Brittney Spears as "hos," thereby identifying
herself with singers much younger than her alleged 56 years (she's
actually pushing 60). To Cher, "ho" means more than Santa's laugh
or something you shift dirt with, it means she can stay alive a little
longer with rap fans who add a new word to the English language every
time another felon is released.
Identifying oneself with a younger member of the same profession is
an old trick. You've probably noticed that as famous actors age, they
invariably partner up with a young, potential star, like Robert Redford
and Brad Pitt ("A River Runs Through It"), Paul Newman and Tom Cruise
("The Color of Money"), Robert De Niro and Leonardo DiCaprio (This
Boy's Life"), Al Pacino and Johnny Depp ("Donnie Brasco") to name
but a few.
This gambit is designed to appeal to a younger audience, thereby extending
career life considerably.
In front of 20,000 fans in Auckland, Cher was reported to have said,
"I'm not going to give up show business, but I'm going to give up
touring because, you know, like there are all of these young girls
coming out like Britney and J. Lo... They are ho's, aren't they?"
You can see Cher live, or lifelike, in a venue near you sooner or
later paying between $150 and $300 per. Cher's first farewell tour
grossed $145 million, more than the gross national product of a second
world country, even though she charges considerably less than Streisand
who currently owns The Americas.
Cable Channel VH-1 says Cher is expected to wrap things up this spring
"before it officially becomes the 'Barely-Living Proof Farewell Tour.'"
Perhaps if Charles married Cher instead of Camilla, the Queen would
attend. After all, the Queen sits down without looking behind her
because she knows a chair will be swiftly placed under the royal rump,
and that's diva behavior enough, even for Cher.