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  Texas : Features : Humor : Column - "A Balloon In Cactus"

Cher, Au Contraire

by Maggie Van Ostrand
Maggie Van Ostrand
A Queen may eschew a prince's wedding, entertainers may stand trial for murder and molestation, and infamous journalists may blow their drug-riddled brains out, but there'll always be one constant: Cher on another farewell tour or, as it's affectionately dubbed, "The Never-Say-Goodbye Tour."

No matter how many farewell tours this legendary rock 'n' roller sells out, there will always be more to come as long as there's a plastic surgeon available to keep her face above her neck and do the necessary lipo-buttsucking to keep her adoring public happy. As long as the illusion lives, Cher herself does not need to be alive.

Salon has discovered that Cher committed to continue her Farewell Tour even after she herself has gone to the Big Reservation in the Sky. In fact, there's a rumor going around that she actually passed away soon after Sonny hit that tree. Rumor has it that Sonny is more popular in Washington now than he was before he took up skiing.

It has been alleged that Cher was stuffed by Dave Geffen who continues to record her on his newest record label, Dead Yet Alive, and who will act as her agent in accepting a role where Cher's remains are scheduled to play the lead voice in "Daughter of the Mask," currently in pre-production.

As brilliant at keeping her name in the media as is Michael Jackson, Cher's latest coup de maitre occurred recently during the third year of her Living Proof farewell tour in Auckland, New Zealand. She slammed competitive divas J.Lo and Brittney Spears as "hos," thereby identifying herself with singers much younger than her alleged 56 years (she's actually pushing 60). To Cher, "ho" means more than Santa's laugh or something you shift dirt with, it means she can stay alive a little longer with rap fans who add a new word to the English language every time another felon is released.

Identifying oneself with a younger member of the same profession is an old trick. You've probably noticed that as famous actors age, they invariably partner up with a young, potential star, like Robert Redford and Brad Pitt ("A River Runs Through It"), Paul Newman and Tom Cruise ("The Color of Money"), Robert De Niro and Leonardo DiCaprio (This Boy's Life"), Al Pacino and Johnny Depp ("Donnie Brasco") to name but a few.

This gambit is designed to appeal to a younger audience, thereby extending career life considerably.

In front of 20,000 fans in Auckland, Cher was reported to have said, "I'm not going to give up show business, but I'm going to give up touring because, you know, like there are all of these young girls coming out like Britney and J. Lo... They are ho's, aren't they?"

You can see Cher live, or lifelike, in a venue near you sooner or later paying between $150 and $300 per. Cher's first farewell tour grossed $145 million, more than the gross national product of a second world country, even though she charges considerably less than Streisand who currently owns The Americas.

Cable Channel VH-1 says Cher is expected to wrap things up this spring "before it officially becomes the 'Barely-Living Proof Farewell Tour.'"

Perhaps if Charles married Cher instead of Camilla, the Queen would attend. After all, the Queen sits down without looking behind her because she knows a chair will be swiftly placed under the royal rump, and that's diva behavior enough, even for Cher.
Copyright Maggie Van Ostrand
"A Balloon In Cactus"

March 1, 2005 column
 
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