| |
| New
Red
China Turns U.S.A. Pink 2-8-10
How come everything
that comes out of my washing machine is pink? I hate pink. . Sure, sure, I know
how important pink is. It’s the color of the elephants we see when tipsy. We can
be tickled pink and feel in the pink. That isn’t what I’m talking about...
The
Art of Barbering 1-21-10
The very word barber comes
from the Latin word barba (beard), and, way back in time, even before Congress
started dithering over health care, barbers were medicine men and priests... |
Maggie
Van Ostrand Columns |
Texas
& Legends
Zapata
10-22-09
Here,
greatly edited for space, are bits of the 1916
interview of Zapata by reporter Guillermo Ojara, sent by his paper, El Democrata
of Mexico City...A
Confederate Soldier in Texas: Full Metal Corset 6-18-09The
Seabiscuit Stamp: How It Came To Be 3-23-09
On
May 11th, a 44-cent rate-change stamp featuring the great thoroughbred racehorse,
Seabiscuit, will be issued by the U.S. Postal Service. Miss
Lockhart and the Comanches 2-16-09
Any time, dear reader, you
feel your lot in life is not quite what you had in mind, compare it to that of
Miss Matilda Lockhart...A
Modern-Day Ferry Tale 12-13-08The
Hairy Man of Round Rock 10-1-08
La
Llorona: Does She Seek Your Children? 8-10-08The
Story of Indianola 6-30-08
Great
Aunt Jane's Pair of Scares 6-12-08The
Widow Tamez, Accidental Expatriate 5-9-08
This
brush-covered area became known as a no-man's land because Mexican lawmen didn't
want to cross the River and be cut off, and Texas lawmen had no legal jurisdiction
there. It was perfect for outlaws from both countries... Cherokee
Bill: Don't Get Him Mad 3-27-08Annie
Rogers and the Bank Dick 2-3-08Luke
Short, The Undertakers' Friend 12-20-07
December
23rd marks the 117th anniversary of Luke Short's last great gunfight. It was a
shoot out with Charlie Wright at Charlie's gambling den in Ft. Worth... Eyewitness
10-31-07
He was selling newspapers at Ford's Theatre on the night of April 14, 1865...
Fannie
Porter of San Antonio 9-25-07
The Old West
heroes or desperadoes
didn't fight, shoot, and rustle all the time. They needed rest. They needed relaxation.
They needed love. And Fannie Porter of San Antonio supplied these diversions.
This is her story. Sally
Skull, the Scariest Siren in Texas 9-1-07
Some
say Sally didn't always wait to get a divorce, and perhaps took the easy way out.
She killed them...
The Harrowing Life and Times of Elizabeth Ann
Bishop 8-15-07
One of the Texas frontier women who taught the wilderness to quit howling and
behave itself was Elizabeth Ann Bishop. What she endured is testament to the strength
of frontier women... Lottie
Deno: Queen of the Paste Board Flippers 8-3-07
Cowboys
and longhorns, soldiers and forts, Comanche, the buffalo trade, 18 saloons, and
an abundance of "soiled doves" were the sights greeting beautiful Lottie Deno
as she rode into Ft. Griffin Flat from Jacksboro, sitting next to the driver atop
the stage coach.Powers
of Texas 6-17-07 Belle
Starr The Bandit Queen 2-1-07Kim
Stanley: Daughter of Texas 11-4-06Strap
Buckner: The Tallest of Tall Texas Tales 8-16-06Katie
Elder: Her True Story 5-26-06
"[Her]
background was perhaps more plaid than checkered."The
Big Bend Then 2-27-06Texas:
Into the Future and Into the Past 7-30-05
Where in Texas can you bypass summer's deadly heat, avoid Transylvanian mosquitoes,
and never feel the sting of a bee?Naked
Came The Amarillan
6-26-04
I love Amarillo ...
I never met so many good lookin', boot-wearin', city-shunnin', plain-talkin',
fellas in my entire life as I did a few weeks back when I visited The Fair And
Totally Underrated City of Amarillo In The County of Potter in the Republic of
Texas. "Soft-Boiled
Eggs Of Texas" | Humor,
Opinion & MexicoMexico’s
Gift to Opera, Rolando Villazón 1-2-10
I
felt like Al Capone must have felt the first time he heard the voice of Enrico
Caruso. The
Art of Re-Gifting 12-19-09The
Crookedest Christmas Tree 11-21-09Why
Can’t Congress Be More Like a Dog?10-7-09To
Tweet or Not to Tweet, That is the Question 8-31-09Get
Shorty 8-13-09Alfred
Hitchcock: Can You Spot Him? 7-27-09 You
Got To Know When To Fold ‘Em 7-3-09Common
Scents: Why Brides Carry Bouquets 6-1-09
Six
Degrees of Separation, or, How a Mexican Star Became a Cajun Legend
5-6-09
Cejas
and the Great Escape 3-12-09
The
mean streets of Tijuana have at last dispatched something other than media reports
of killings, kidnappings and cartels.Juanita
and the President 2-8-09From
Conspicuous Consumption to Conspicuous Frugality 1-8-09Apologies
Instead of Resolutions 12-8-08Nothing
to Fear But Thanksgiving 11-7-08Ways
to Save 9-17-08English,
and How She is Spoken 9-3-08What
You Don't Know About Mexico 7-17-08Cuddling
With Your Enemies 6-9-08Turning
into Mom 5-8-08
I turned out to be more like
my mom than I could ever have expected.Everybody's
Scared of Something
4-7-08
Comedian Steven Wright, says
"I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths." Stars
Shine in Sunny Mexico 3-6-08
Along
with many other expatriates living in Mexico, we occasionally hear of a famous
one who lives, or once lived, among us. We know that Helen Hayes, Erich Fromm
and Maurice Evans lived in Cuernavaca, and Tennessee Williams, D.H.Lawrence and
Somerset Maugham lived in Ajijic... The
Best Pictures Never to Have Won Best Picture 2-21-08Honeybees:
Have They Emigrated to Mexico? 2-14-08
Joaquin
Murrieta, Robin Hood or Just Plain Hood? 1-5-08
Everything
about Joaquin Murrieta is disputed. He was either the Mexican Robin Hood or the
El Dorado Robin Hood. He was either an infamous bandito or a Mexican patriot...A
Blue Christmas 12-13-07The
Christmas Flower 12-3-07Christmas
Shopping With The Sliding U.S. Dollar 11-10-07
In
A Word ... 10-5-07
The
Oxford English Dictionary has decided to suck up to the MTV generation by annihilating
the gentle hyphen. In its sixth edition, OED has done this not only a few times,
but 16,000 times..."Yes
Virginia, There Is Another Mexico" 9-12-07Dear
Uncle Sam 7-16-07The
Fence 7-6-07The
God Talk 6-4-07Say
Bartender, Make Mine Tuna on the Rocks
5-25-07Pet
Loss, or, Have Ashes, Will Travel 5-19-07The
Fighting 201st 5-11-07Bad
Mothers 5-11-07Erotic
Politicians Promote Sex Abstinence Studies 4-26-07Law
School in a Box 4-13-07Brando
4-3-07Blonde
3-27-07The
Red Carpet 2-18-07Jack
Bauer 2-16-07Super
Bowl 2007 2-7-07The
Corn is as High as an Elephant's Eye 1-29-07
Bionic
Woman or Jack Bauer 1-23-07
Guilt
1-8-07New
Year's Resolutions 2007 12-28-06Deporting
Santa Claus 12-19-06Christmas
Shopping 12-13-06Rachael
Bites Into Martha 12-10-06The
Night the Posse Chased Santa 12-1-06The
Day After 11-24-06Fear
of Thanksgiving 11-19-06Being
Santa 11-10-06Scarier
Than Halloween 10-31-06The
Undead 10-10-06The
Mexican 10-7-06Friday
the 13th 10-4-06The
Height of Celebrity 9-28-06True
Confessions 9-13-06Women
of the News 9-7-06Pluto
9-1-06 Cesar
Millan and Rachael Ray: America's Great Escape Artists 6-20-06Baby
TV 6-1-06
Be
afraid. Be very afraid. There's a new show on Direct TV aimed at 0-3 year olds...
Dying
to Be An American 5-8-06
There's
an easier way to become an American citizen than marching in emotional parades
for immigration rights or studying U.S. history and being wait-listed for years,
or even marrying into it. You can die into citizenship. Super
Comic, Super Star, Super Man 4-28-06
Cantinflas
How
My Mexican Relatives Saved the U.S. Economy 4-13-06The
Art of Listening 4-8-06Emilio
Fernández, Ten of a Kind 3-23-06
"It was Emilio Fernández who posed nude for the statuette so zealously sought:
the Oscar." Daddy,
Tell Me A Story 3-14-06
Fairy
Tales and Nursery Rhymes. Oscar
Moms 3-7-06Oscar
3-7-06Voice
Lift 2-14-06Don
Churrero 2-2-06
The churro cannot be "made,"
it can only be created.
Interview
with Baby New Year 12-28-05
Christmas
Past 12-5-05
"The
best Christmas in my family was a broke one."Thanksgiving
and the Little Table 11-23-05The
Mallomar 11-10-05
A
History of Mexico in 2000 Words 11-7-05
TV
Corpses at Halloween 10-30-05Dead
Men Don't Talk, But Dead Women Do 10-22-05
Frida
Kahlo, and Her Recipes Movies
10-10-05
"Transported
to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then
teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." That's a movie review from
a Marin County, California, newspaper. The movie it described was "The Wizard
of Oz."
Same
Sex Marriage? 10-1-05When
Money Talks, Martha Listens 9-19-05Looking
for Charley 9-12-05
"My
friend Charley is about 45 and he's lived in New Orleans a long time..."
Paparazzi
8-29-05
"... I've suffered something much more frightening than paparazzi. I had
mamarazzi..." Three
8-20-05
"...If
you, the intelligent reader, doubt that three is the most important number of
all time, read on..."
Appearing
Rich 7-9-05Weirdo
Father of the Year
6-16-05Shrewd
Mexican Women 6-15-05What's
In A Name? Plenty.
6-6-05Barbara
Walters Does Cleopatra 5-15-05
"...
a documented transcript of the Walters-Cleopatra taped interview as surreptitiously
obtained by an imbedded reporter..."
Mexican-American
War of Ought-Five 5-3-05
"...
A group of Mexican citizens calling themselves Los Hombres al Minuto has volunteered
to make their sole quest in life the prevention of North Americans illegally crossing
the border into Mexico."The
Pig Book 4-20-05
Superman
Is An Illegal, or, Humor and Satire in the Corrido
4-5-05Peeps
Alert 3-17-05Fry
Me to the Moon 3-8-05
"Rather
than waiting for a cemetery plot in Mexico, Greece, or the U.S., where real estate
is at a premium whether you're dead or alive, people are finding it more practical
to be cremated like Thompson and are creating interesting things to do with cremated
remains, or "cremains," as they're called in the death biz." Cher,
Au Contraire 3-1-05Mexican
Beauty: Dolores del Rio 2-16-05
"Sinuous
and sensual, she was widely regarded as the female Rudolph Valentino. ... Precious
few other actresses have retained both beauty and stardom for over fifty professional
years."Well
done, Johnny 1-25-05
"Ernie
Kovacs once said that television was a medium because it was so rarely well done.
When Johnny was on, it was well done."Harvard
Strangles First Amendment 1-25-05
...
and
what women really want
Ninotchka
1-21-05New
Year's Resolutions 1-1-05The
Truth About Rudolph 12-8-04Las
Posadas 12-1-04
"... Now, it could seem that greed might be casting its shadow over the story
of Bethlehem, except for one very important thing: Las Posadas is still observed
in Mexico...."Fear
of Hair 11-24-04Got
Flu? Try A Sock Full of Onions
10-29-04Scents
and Sensibility
10-15-04
"...
We can trace the artificial scents of today back to those June brides. Today,about
the only thing that smells the same as it always did is the end of the nozzle
at a gas pump...."The
Pinking of America
9-28-04Man
Stores 9-1-04A
Prudent Use of Guilt
8-3-04Brando
7-19-04
"Quit following me
around. It's getting embarrassing," I said to Marlon Brando, tilting my nose into
the air.Networking
For The Disinclined 7-12-04
Old
Friends Ask About Mexico 7-11-04
"What's
it like in Mexico?" "Weren't you scared?" and "Don't they kidnap you there?" In
case anyone reading this publication is wondering the same things, here's what
I told my friends ...The
Biggest Mistake I Ever Made In Mexico 6-9-04
Stuff
To Do in Small Towns
5-5-04
When
Traveling in Mexico, Leave Your Pantyhose At Home
4-21-04
"Your money's
no good in Mexico."
Mexican
Eye For the Gringo Guy 3-7-04
According
to the show business trade paper, The Hollywood Reporter, "Queer Eye for the Straight
Guy," the megahit TV show whose stars are known as The Fab Five, will soon have
some light-hearted competition from Comedy Central's "Straight Plan For The Gay
Man," whose stars have already been dubbed The Flab Four... There's
Something About Mexico 2-20-04
Paradise
El
Taxi, or El Toro? 1-20-04
Hemingway
said there are two types of spectators at a bullfight: those who identify with
the bull, and those who identify with the matador.
The
Roger Miller Las Vegas Pawn Shop Shooting
1-20-04Roger
Miller 12-27-03
Quotes,
and anecdotes of Roger Miller and friends. The
Ten Years Are Up.
It's Time to Clean the Refrigerator
11-28-03
Day
of the Dead or Alive 10-21-03Are
There Terrorists in Our Town? 9-29-03
Within the
pastoral and picture-perfect environs of our little village, these enemies of
the American people are not called terrorists, they are called squirrels.
Where
did the word "gringo" come from anyway? 9-03God
and Botox 8-03
Meant
for Each Other 8-03
Certain
living things are meant for each other, whether it be a caballo and a canine,
or a lady and a lake. Put
Yourself In Reverse 7-03
Mrs.
Baldwin of Missouri Teaches All About Mexico
"I
suggest that, next time the media does a story condemning educational standards
in the United States, they journey to Maryville, Missouri, and audit Mrs. Baldwin's
class." Josefina,
A Woman of Mexico
"Speaking
of love, not since Lana Turner's fallen lipstick rolled across the floor stopping
at the feet of newly arrived drifter, John Garfield, in "The Postman Always Rings
Twice," have I witnessed anything as romantic as Josefina's relationship with
her husband, Enriquez, the gardener."
Mextra-Sensory
Perception
"Someone
was playing a Spanish radio station full blast in the car next to mine as we stopped
at a red light in Hollywood California. The cacophony of Mariachi brass, not a
shy sound, bombarded my ears with alacrity. Before I knew it, there I was, not
at Sunset and Vine waiting for the light to change in the year 2003, but back
in Ajijic eight years ago....""The
Trip" - Guanajuato, Mexico Accommodations
To Die For
Trolling
for Truth
"What
parent in his right mind would give a 6-year-old a hatchet?" Broken
Berlitz Or English and how she is spokenAn
Evening In Paris With Mom
"Someone
was wearing Evening In Paris perfume the other day. The scent of it instantly
reminded me of Mom; I haven't smelled Evening In Paris since we lost her, yet
its fragrance transported me back to my childhood and to the Mother's Day when
..."Nine
Steps To A Happy Life In Mexico Mexican
VillageThe
Day I Photographed Josefina's Family
More Humor and Satire
| Columns | Mexico
| Biography
Maggie
Van Ostrand was almost born and raised in Manhattan, but hey, Queens is still
inside the City line.
She started writing when she was very young, but
ran into a barrier of parental discouragement. She didn't pick up a pen again
until they were both so old, they could no longer argue convincingly without falling
off their walkers.
Queens College remembers Jerry Seinfeld, so surely
it will remember Maggie. Then again, maybe not.
While traveling as a roadie
in the music business, she co-wrote "Home Is Where the Hurt Is" with Grammy- and
Tony-winning humorist, Roger Miller. She was head writer for Mark Goodson's quiz
show, "Trivia Trap," and has ghost-written for television sitcom writers and stand-up
comics.
In 1995, she began a humor column, which garnered many awards.
Readers cut out her columns and stuck them on their refrigerators. Thanks to loyal
fans mailing these clips to big time newspapers (do you know how expensive it
is to mail a refrigerator?), she became a regular contributor to the Chicago Tribune,
and has been published in the Boston Globe, Newsday, the Philadelphia Inquirer,
the Sun-Sentinel, and other major newspapers and magazines both online and in
print.
She’s a member of Erma Bombeck Humor Writers, National Society of
Newspaper Columnists, and Society of Women Writers & Journalists. Her proudest
achievement was winning the Pullet Surprise from texasescapes.com.
Maggie
has lived in many wonderful places; her favorites are New York, Boston, Chicago,
El Paso, and Taos.
Maggie Van Ostrand spends her writing time between
Ajijic, Mexico and Pine Mountain, California, each with a population smaller than
Al Pacino. Since she has been accused of having a split personality, it’s simple
for her to live in two places at once.
December
2009 | |
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