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  Texas : Features : Humor : Column - "A Balloon In Cactus"

LAW SCHOOL IN A BOX

by Maggie Van Ostrand
Maggie Van Ostrand
In a litigious society such as ours has become, where people can sue for any little thing and win, it seems we might not have enough lawyers to fully realize all the big bucks we could make by taking anyone and everyone to court. They don't even have to be guilty of anything -- we can win a settlement anyway. It's the new American way.
Toward that end, the amazing and amusing online and hard copy publication, Mental Floss, has created Law School In A Box, which they researched thoroughly and found to be "the highest ranked boxed law school in the country." One cannot argue with these statistics because well, why would one?

Law School in a Box comes in a shiny tin full of legal goodies to soothe the troubled minds of every American anxious to make a quick buck. I have one of my very own so why shouldn't you? In fact, I can sue you now that I have a LSIAB diploma.
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On the top of the tin box, which contains an entire education in the field of jurisprudence, appears the school's motto, nothing difficult to understand like Harvard Law School's motto: Veritas (Truth) or Yale's Lux et Veritas (Light and Truth) or Stanford's Die Luft der Freiheit weht, (The Wind of Freedom Blows). Law School in a Box has an easy-to-understand-because-it's-in-English motto, "All the Prestige for a Fraction of the Price." None of that pretentious Latin or Teutonic stuff for LSIAB. You cannot top their motto for both simplicity and modernity.

Law School in a Box is also trusting, trust being something which Americans of today are finding more and more difficult to earn, let alone locate. In fact, LSIAB is so sure you are honest, they include the actual diploma right there inside the tin box to legitimize your studies. When unfurled, this handsome degree states fully that you have completed all necessary studies, to wit:

"Be it known that ________________________________ having at least skimmed part of the extensive and rigorous course of study offered within this prestigious boxed institution, and having complied with at least some of the requirements enclosed within this highly revered university is awarded the most prestigious degree of Juris Doctor not only in English but also in Latin because it appears more impressive that way. In testimony whereof, the Board of Trustees in recommendation of the Faculty has granted this fancy diploma bearing the honorable seal of Mental Floss, dated sometime in the twenty-first century."

You have earned this diploma by mastering the wisdom of the book "Law School in 96 Pages," included within the tin box, covering topics such as Latin Terminology: Twenty Words for the Smarteas Panteas; Five Legal Terms to Improve Your Scrabble Game; Some Celebrity Suits That Make Us Smile (like during a concert, Kenny Rogers tossed a Frisbee, which hit a chandelier, which crashed down and rendered a dude impotent. True or not, the dude sued; and a casino dealer sued Dennis Rodman for rubbing dice on the dealer's bald head and groin for luck.); Supreme Wisdom: Some Fancy Schmancy Legal Quotes to Keep on Hand.

According to the Syllabus, your curriculum is divided into four parts: Talking the Talk, Getting Your Facts Straight, A Court Supreme, and The Bar. You are learning such important facts as why lawyers shout out "Heresay!" and "So what's this tort thing I keep hearing about?"

They do not, however, address the burning question of why TV lawyers always unbutton their jacket before sitting down, and button it again each time they rise.

Also included in LSIAB are Heroes of the Courtroom Trading Cards with a sketch of the lawyer on the front and descriptive information on the back. Example: Lincoln's picture with the name of every monument, school, avenue, street, highway, highway association, alumni association, newspaper, park, and everything else including log sets, that was ever named after him. The type is necessarily quite small.
Not only that, there's a set of cards "You Be the Judge: We bring the cases. You provide the verdicts." Example: Cheney's Got a Gun. Dick Cheney 1, Dick Cheney 2, and an extremely wealthy political donor are quail hunting. Dick Cheney 1 and Dick Cheney 2 are walking behind the donor when they see a quail, and both shoot. The donor's face is peppered by pellets. He later sues both Dicks, each of whom just so happened to use the exact same type of gun and pellet shot. Can both of these hunters be held liable, even if only one was responsible?" You be the judge. (The Historical Verdict on the back of the card: In Summers v. Tice, the court held both hunters liable. The court basically said, "Hey, we know one of you did it, and we can't figure out who, but you were both negligent, ad it wouldn't be fair to the guy who got shot in the face to let you both off. So you two dummies fight between each other over who did it."
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If all this isn't enough to convince you to take this course and win your diploma, there's also the Law School Challenge ("So, how hard is the bar?") One guy took it forty-seven times.

Everyone who is not a lawyer already, or married to or the child of one, should get a degree from LSIAB. It never hurts to be prepared to sue for things we're being threatened by today, like getting conked in the noggin by an asteroid, flattened like a crisp piece of bacon by a hot world created by people in SUVs, or being cracked in the kisser by some other country's loose nuke.

After all, Jack Bauer can't be everywhere at once.
What's next? Med School in a Box. I'm not making this up.


Copyright Maggie Van Ostrand

"A Balloon In Cactus" >
April 13 , 2007 column
Email: maggie@maggievanostrand.com
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