IN A BOX
Maggie Van Ostrand
a litigious society such as ours has become, where people can sue
for any little thing and win, it seems we might not have enough lawyers
to fully realize all the big bucks we could make by taking anyone
and everyone to court. They don't even have to be guilty of anything
-- we can win a settlement anyway. It's the new American way.
that end, the amazing and amusing online and hard copy publication,
Mental Floss, has created Law School In A Box, which they researched
thoroughly and found to be "the highest ranked boxed law school in
the country." One cannot argue with these statistics because well,
why would one?
Law School in a Box comes in a shiny tin full of legal goodies to
soothe the troubled minds of every American anxious to make a quick
buck. I have one of my very own so why shouldn't you? In fact, I can
sue you now that I have a LSIAB diploma.
the top of the tin box, which contains an entire education in the
field of jurisprudence, appears the school's motto, nothing difficult
to understand like Harvard Law School's motto: Veritas (Truth)
or Yale's Lux et Veritas (Light and Truth) or Stanford's Die
Luft der Freiheit weht, (The Wind of Freedom Blows). Law School
in a Box has an easy-to-understand-because-it's-in-English motto,
"All the Prestige for a Fraction of the Price." None of that pretentious
Latin or Teutonic stuff for LSIAB. You cannot top their motto for
both simplicity and modernity.
Law School in a Box is also trusting, trust being something which
Americans of today are finding more and more difficult to earn, let
alone locate. In fact, LSIAB is so sure you are honest, they include
the actual diploma right there inside the tin box to legitimize your
studies. When unfurled, this handsome degree states fully that you
have completed all necessary studies, to wit:
"Be it known that ________________________________ having at least
skimmed part of the extensive and rigorous course of study offered
within this prestigious boxed institution, and having complied with
at least some of the requirements enclosed within this highly revered
university is awarded the most prestigious degree of Juris Doctor
not only in English but also in Latin because it appears more impressive
that way. In testimony whereof, the Board of Trustees in recommendation
of the Faculty has granted this fancy diploma bearing the honorable
seal of Mental Floss, dated sometime in the twenty-first century."
You have earned this diploma by mastering the wisdom of the book "Law
School in 96 Pages," included within the tin box, covering topics
such as Latin Terminology: Twenty Words for the Smarteas Panteas;
Five Legal Terms to Improve Your Scrabble Game; Some Celebrity Suits
That Make Us Smile (like during a concert, Kenny Rogers tossed a Frisbee,
which hit a chandelier, which crashed down and rendered a dude impotent.
True or not, the dude sued; and a casino dealer sued Dennis Rodman
for rubbing dice on the dealer's bald head and groin for luck.); Supreme
Wisdom: Some Fancy Schmancy Legal Quotes to Keep on Hand.
According to the Syllabus, your curriculum is divided into four parts:
Talking the Talk, Getting Your Facts Straight, A Court Supreme, and
The Bar. You are learning such important facts as why lawyers shout
out "Heresay!" and "So what's this tort thing I keep hearing about?"
They do not, however, address the burning question of why TV lawyers
always unbutton their jacket before sitting down, and button it again
each time they rise.
included in LSIAB are Heroes of the Courtroom Trading Cards with a
sketch of the lawyer on the front and descriptive information on the
back. Example: Lincoln's picture with the name of every monument,
school, avenue, street, highway, highway association, alumni association,
newspaper, park, and everything else including log sets, that was
ever named after him. The type is necessarily quite small.
only that, there's a set of cards "You Be the Judge: We bring the
cases. You provide the verdicts." Example: Cheney's Got a Gun. Dick
Cheney 1, Dick Cheney 2, and an extremely wealthy political donor
are quail hunting. Dick Cheney 1 and Dick Cheney 2 are walking behind
the donor when they see a quail, and both shoot. The donor's face
is peppered by pellets. He later sues both Dicks, each of whom just
so happened to use the exact same type of gun and pellet shot. Can
both of these hunters be held liable, even if only one was responsible?"
You be the judge. (The Historical Verdict on the back of the card:
In Summers v. Tice, the court held both hunters liable. The court
basically said, "Hey, we know one of you did it, and we can't figure
out who, but you were both negligent, ad it wouldn't be fair to the
guy who got shot in the face to let you both off. So you two dummies
fight between each other over who did it."
If all this isn't enough to convince you to take this course and win
your diploma, there's also the Law School Challenge ("So, how hard
is the bar?") One guy took it forty-seven times.
Everyone who is not a lawyer already, or married to or the child of
one, should get a degree from LSIAB. It never hurts to be prepared
to sue for things we're being threatened by today, like getting conked
in the noggin by an asteroid, flattened like a crisp piece of bacon
by a hot world created by people in SUVs, or being cracked in the
kisser by some other country's loose nuke.
After all, Jack Bauer can't be everywhere
next? Med School in a Box. I'm not making this up.
Copyright Maggie Van Ostrand
"A Balloon In Cactus"
13 , 2007 column