War of Ought-Five
Maggie Van Ostrand
that Mexican-American War (1846-1848) where the U.S. had a thing called
"Manifest Destiny?" That meant President James K. Polk believed in
the "sea to shining sea" destiny for the U.S.A. and to heck with whoever
owned anything in between.
History tells us that disputes over border lines sparked military
confrontation, aided by the fact that President Polk eagerly sought
such a war in order to seize large tracts of land from Mexico.
Incidentally, some U.S. citizens did not agree with the president
and formed the San Patricio Battalion, a unit in the Mexican army
made up of Irish-American deserters, thereby taking a real poke at
Well, the war taking place right now in 2005 at the Mexico-U.S. border
under President George W. Bush is nothing like that other one, so
forget about it. This time, el zapato is on the other pie.
A group of Mexican citizens calling themselves Los Hombres al
Minuto has volunteered to make their sole quest in life the
prevention of North Americans illegally crossing the border into Mexico.
Since thousands of illegal immigrants attempt to cross into Mexico
daily, with the annual number running into untold millions, the President
of Mexico has kindly permitted Los Hombres al Minuto
to join the Mexican Border Patrol in ridding their great and sovereign
nation of these unwanted aliens.
It should be noted that volunteers are not permitted to carry any
weapons except guns and machetes.
What makes the mission of Los Hombres al Minuto so challenging is
that it is difficult to tell the aliens apart. Are they from Canada
or the U.S.A.? An ever-alert volunteer told this reporter, "They all
look alike to me." He continued, "But we can easily tell who the terrorists
are by a simple process not permitted in the U.S., that of Profiling."
Since terrorists in increasingly high numbers, perhaps as many as
three or four, also try to enter Mexico illegally through Arizona,
Texas and California, how will Los Hombres al Minuto be
able to tell which of them are terrorists? Los Hombres are
smart. They ask.
As soon as someone dressed in a turban or a burka or hijab shows up
and answers honestly under oath, "Yes, I am a terrorist," he or she
is deported back to point of origin. This is called Clothing Profiling.
CP also extends to those of Chinese origin sporting a Mandarin collar
and a queue while claiming to be from Chicago or Nootka Sound, B.C.
"This type of subterfuge," President Fox might have said had we actually
interviewed him, "is wrong, totally unacceptable and really sneaky.
We care nothing for what a person says, as long as it is not a lie."
What amazes Los Hombres is that the number of apprehended aliens
continues to increase, despite the vigilance of volunteers. Everything
that can be done to discourage illegals from swimming across the Rio
Grande to work in Mexican cities and send their wages back home to
the northern nations, is being done. Desperate people who swim across
again and again are called Dry Hards.
"We put no water out in the desert so the few who manage to get by
us as well as the official Mexican border patrol will surely suffer
and thirst, but still they come," says Los Hombres al Minuto
founder, Jose Jose Martinez Martinez. "We simply cannot understand
Señor Martinez' beautiful assistant, Maria Maria Garcia Garcia, adds,
"We even use trained sniffer Chihuahuas to ferret out illicit California
drug cartel mules trying to bring bad things into our country, and
still they come. We do not know why."
A sly, imbedded reporter decided to go to the source and find out
why. Sidling up to an illegal Nova Scotian who was being detained
pending deportation, the reporter asked "Why are so many North Americans
attempting against all odds to cross illegally into Mexico?"
"That's simple," said the detainee, "It's nicer there."
Copyright Maggie Van Ostrand
"A Balloon In Cactus"
May 3, 2005 column