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  Texas : Features : Humor : Column - "A Balloon In Cactus"

Mexican Eye For the Gringo Guy

by Maggie Van Ostrand
Maggie Van Ostrand
According to the show business trade paper, The Hollywood Reporter, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," the megahit TV show whose stars are known as The Fab Five, will soon have some light-hearted competition from Comedy Central's "Straight Plan For The Gay Man," whose stars have already been dubbed The Flab Four.

Three hour-long episodes of the new satire, are scheduled to air February 17, 2004, and will star Curtis Gwynne, Billy Merritt, Kyle Grooms and Rob Riggle. Queer Eye's premise of homosexual men advising heterosexual men how to dress, decorate, and behave in a civilized manner, will be flipped upside down for this new show, produced by Borderline Productions.

Straight comedians will attempt to teach a succession of gay men how to pass as heterosexuals, including "lessons in spartan home decorating, oafish manners, less-than-fashionable wardrobes, and overdeveloped ego to mask all personal failings," production executive Lou Wallach told Reuters News Service.

Residents of Mexico who have satellite TV or Direct TV probably know that the Comedy Central cable channel is best known for "South Park," The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," and reruns of "Saturday Night Live."


This show biz news report gave me an idea -- why not tape a show right here in Guadalajara called "Mexican Eye for the Gringo Guy?" Jalisco is already famous for the music of its Mariachi, why not for the morals of its men?

Five Mexican men, whose talents have as yet been undiscovered, would be interviewed by a Casting Committee comprised of local hotel and restaurant owners, artists, politicians, bankers, and policewomen. Relatives of candidates would be discouraged from applying for a casting job.

The final selection of men, who will be referred to neither as The Fab Five nor the Flab Four, will be dubbed Los Tipos Sabios. Each weeknight and twice on Sundays they will choose a Gringo expatriate and teach him such things as how to serenade a woman using only a tuba, the financial advantages of having backyard bantams, the art of lounge lizardry, how to strut while seated, and how to avoid your wife's restaurant when dining out with your mistress.

Sponsors of this proposed television show will bring muchos pesos to the Lakeside area and in fact bring an economic boom to all of Mexico. This will turn NATO's giant sucking sound into a whisper.

Following the guaranteed success of such a show, the expats living in Mexico could pose nude for a calendar, all proceeds of expected sales to go to charity. People have done stranger things to raise money, so why not show a little skin? And, since the older we get, the more skin there is, this will only increase the anticipated contributions.

The nude calendar idea worked for the fishermen of Cape Cod, for elderly school mistresses in Wales, and for Russian women amputees who advertised their calendar on one of those porn channels. (Someone told me about it. I certainly never watched it myself.)

So there you have my Big Idea For The New Year, and it ranks right up there with the guy who kept trying to help hemorrhoid sufferers and finally gave up when he failed for the final time with his Preparation G. If only he had tried once more.

Copyright Maggie Van Ostrand
"A Balloon In Cactus"

March 7, 2004 Column
 
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