Maggie Van Ostrand
that time of the year for Oscars, Golden Globes, Emmys, American Music
Awards, Grammys, Country Music, Screen Actors Guild, Directors Guild,
MTV, Peabody, Soap Opera, Tonys, Writers Guild, TV Guide, People's
Choice -- and those are just show business's annual backslapping events.
We even have the Darwin Award for doing the most stupid things. Why
not give awards that really matter by today's standards: fake ones.
How about these --
The Not-a-Chance Award -- to Michael Jackson for being the only male
in the world not claiming to be the father of Anna Nichol Smith's
The Hannibal Lecter -- to former representative Mark Foley for being
dis-membered from Congress.
The Joan Rivers -- to Katie Couric whose face is getting so tight,
her eyes have begun to slant.
The Rockefeller -- to Tom Cruise for buying his own studio because
his old studio wouldn't give him a raise.
The Pipe Cleaner Award -- to Paris Hilton's legs.
The Picasso -- to Hillary Clinton for painting out the parts her life
that don't suit her in today's political climate.
The There's a Ferret on Your Head Award -- to the hair of 60 Minutes'
The Dracula -- to Barack Obama for wearing shirts with loose collars
that expose his slender neck so appealingly, you want to suck on it.
The W.C. Fields -- to Lindsay Lohan's special celeb in-house privileges
which evacuated Wonderland Rehab of other resident drunks.
The Jennifer Wilbanks -- to runaway brides who disengage from their
fiances, and then sue them.
The Ashton Kutcher -- to younger men with older women who don't complain
when the guy admits he never heard of the Beatles.
The Rodney Dangerfield -- to George W. Bush for getting no respect.
The Titanic Award -- To Mel Gibson's career
The Abu Ghraib -- to Jack Bauer for torturing terrorists so creatively
that they formed a 24 Fan Club
The Oucher Oscar -- to Harry Wittington, the guy Dick Cheney mistook
for a quail and shot last February, for acting as though it didn't
The Plausible Deniability Award -- To John Kerry for claiming his
vote in favor of the invasion of Iraq was as well directed as Vice
President Cheney's bullet.
The Sigmund Freud -- to Kramer, who needs psychiatric help even more
than Michael Jackson.
The Courtney Love -- jointly awarded to herself and Paula Abdul for
following in each other's footsteps.
The Mike Tyson -- to Ryan O'Neal for the smackdown of his own son.
The Taxpayer Award -- to retired congressional reps who will continue
to receive as much as 80 per cent of their salaries plus health and
life insurance, also taxpayer subsidized, and that includes members
of Congress convicted of a felony.
The Seabiscuit Award -- to Rocky Balboa for finally crossing the finish
The Jiffyhab -- to Britney Spears for her drive-thru pass at sobriety.
Britney's speed feat beats out Lindsay Lohan's because Britney removed
Kevin Federline first and all her hair second.
The Oddest Celeb Award -- to Barbara Walters for actually asking a
Hamas suicide bomber in prison, "So you're saying all you want to
do is kill Jews? Haven't you wanted to get married?" and topped that
with her next question, "If you had succeeded in your suicide mission
and been killed, where would you be today?"
And lastly: The I-Can't-Believe-Anyone-Could-Say-Such-a-Dumb-Thing
Award to California Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger for uttering the
immortal words, "I think gay marriages should be between a man and
That completes our Awards for 2006 and remember what that anonymous
pundit said about this column: "For people who like this sort of thing,
this is the sort of thing they like."
Maggie Van Ostrand
"A Balloon In Cactus"
18 , 2007 column