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 Texas : Features : Humor : Column - "A Balloon In Cactus"

There's Something About Mexico

by Maggie Van Ostrand
Maggie Van Ostrand
A Mayan myth, as recorded by Alfonso Villa R. in Quintana Roo and recently reported to me, tells us that God created a number of human couples, each with the racial characteristics of the group to which | he was assigned. God "formed a Chinese, a Negro, and a Maya couple, and granted each one the portion of the earth in which they were to reproduce their kind and establish their rule.

"At the time of creation, each couple was given the characteristics to determine their destiny. Thus, some were ugly and occupied an inferior station, while others were good looking and in a privileged position.

"It is easy to see," the myth goes on, "that the men most favored by God are tall, blond, strong men who live an easy life and are known as Americans..."

I have it on the highest authority that the following is what really happened.

In the beginning, God created only one couple: Adam and Eve. Adam, as rebellious as all young people and in direct disregard of the wishes of his Maker, immediately disobeyed God's specific instructions to lay off certain fruit. Adam ate an apple, the first item on God's Forbidden List since it began with an "A." (For historical accuracy, the last item on the list was in French: Zee Femme.) Speaking of Woman, if Eve had asked for a kumquat instead of an apple, future calamities between the sexes might have been avoided.

God's plan was to design a perfect couple with the ability to reason, and then let them make their own choices. Perhaps He should have supplied them with a copy of "Dummies' Guide to Spirituality."

Adam and Eve, being human, paid no attention to God, even after He punished Adam by having the fruit stick in his throat and thundered, "See what you've done? Now all men will have to shave around an Adam's Apple."

God turned to an angel, and remarked, "Kids. You just can't leave them alone for a minute." It was at this exact point in history that an anonymous angel coined the expression, "Nobody's perfect," (swiftly adding "Except you, Lord, except you.").

To help Adam and Eve and their descendants find the right path, eventually returning to Him in proper spiritual condition, God assigned them the title of Expatriates and, pondering where to send them, thought, "There's something about Mexico....."

And so it came to be that Adam and Eve were dispatched to the Land of Mexico.

It was a gamble, to be sure, but God had great faith in the young couple. After all, He was One who designed them.

"I am giving you a second chance to make good in Paradise," he cautioned, "This time, pay attention. You can eat the apples. Don't drink the water."

Today, Adam and Eve's children and all their children's children have earned their stripes with God, who has rewarded them with a promotion to the title, "Mexicans." He is pleased at their efforts to make up for the sins of their fathers and the mutinous behavior of their ancestors. These efforts can be observed today as Mexicans continue to train new arrivals of Expatriates in the ways of ethics, morals, kindness, dignity, respect, and love.

Only when Expatriates have truly learned all these things, can they live as God originally intended: in Paradise, sometimes still referred to as Mexico.

Copyright Maggie Van Ostrand
"A Balloon In Cactus" February 20, 2004 column
Related Topic: Mexico
 
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