Maggie Van Ostrand
doesn't take a genius to understand why the Super Bowl is so popular
every year. At first, I thought only men and maybe a few sheanderthals
were the only people who watched but very feminine women can learn
a lot from this big game.
For one thing, those little puffed sleeves worn by Indianapolis Colts
and Chicago Bears alike could bring back that fashion trend of yesteryear.
And those darling black lines under the players' eyes are stunning.
Some of the players though should consider white lines under their
eyes to even things out. They could probably sell the idea to Maybelline
The players can certainly make a woman feel slim no matter what she
weighs, since their necks are twice the size of Rosie O'Donnell's
waist. No offense to Rosie.
The Super Bowl is also a detergent's dream. I can't imagine why they're
sponsored by big automobile companies and breweries, when neither
of those sponsors knows anything about how to get grass stains out
of white uniforms. At least I shouldn't think they do. Next year,
Tide should sponsor the Super Bowl, or maybe Carbona. Advantage must
be taken of the condition of those uniforms. Some of them got filthy.
In fact, why are uniforms white? Wouldn't you think the moms of Indianapolis
and Chicago would have noticed that and insisted their home team wear
No matter what color they wear, the Super Bowl is an inspiration for
potential ballroom dancers. Did you see how some of those men paired
off? With the way those thigh muscles bulged, it's pretty amazing
that they could get as close to each other as they did. Not that there's
anything wrong with that.
Animal lovers must have had the best time of all watching this game.
Colts against Bears. Neither species can sue to keep their name from
being used. I don't think they can unless horses and hirsutes have
The game isn't all that difficult to understand once you get the hang
of it. Somebody throws the ball to another player on the same team
who's pretty far away on a field, and he catches it. Then a bunch
of big players from the opposing team jump upon the guy with the ball
and just lie there on top of him until some other fella in a striped
shirt comes out and yells "Unnecessary Roughness!" Why he would shout
those words out loud when the game looks pretty violent from start
to finish, I'll never know. Plenty of carnage, except of course for
In the midst of this organized chaos appeared rock star Prince, who
sang his heart out and played his electric guitar in the middle of
a rain storm. Mixing electricity and water seemed to be tempting fate.
Prince sang his signature song, Purple Rain, in the rain. And the
halftime lights turned the rain purple. So I guess it was calculated,
like Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction.".
The one silly thing is calling it Super Bowl XLI when the announcers,
who mostly all played in some past Super Bowl, called it the number
41. But of course it isn't, it's an X and an L and a big I. What,
do they think we're stupid or something?
All in all, it was an exciting few hours, and I hope to see a couple
of those players on the next Dancing with the Stars.
Maggie Van Ostrand
"A Balloon In Cactus"
7 , 2007 column