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  Texas : Features : Humor : Column - "A Balloon In Cactus"

Super Bowl 2007

by Maggie Van Ostrand
Maggie Van Ostrand
It doesn't take a genius to understand why the Super Bowl is so popular every year. At first, I thought only men and maybe a few sheanderthals were the only people who watched but very feminine women can learn a lot from this big game.

For one thing, those little puffed sleeves worn by Indianapolis Colts and Chicago Bears alike could bring back that fashion trend of yesteryear. And those darling black lines under the players' eyes are stunning. Some of the players though should consider white lines under their eyes to even things out. They could probably sell the idea to Maybelline or Revlon.

The players can certainly make a woman feel slim no matter what she weighs, since their necks are twice the size of Rosie O'Donnell's waist. No offense to Rosie.

The Super Bowl is also a detergent's dream. I can't imagine why they're sponsored by big automobile companies and breweries, when neither of those sponsors knows anything about how to get grass stains out of white uniforms. At least I shouldn't think they do. Next year, Tide should sponsor the Super Bowl, or maybe Carbona. Advantage must be taken of the condition of those uniforms. Some of them got filthy.

In fact, why are uniforms white? Wouldn't you think the moms of Indianapolis and Chicago would have noticed that and insisted their home team wear basic black?

No matter what color they wear, the Super Bowl is an inspiration for potential ballroom dancers. Did you see how some of those men paired off? With the way those thigh muscles bulged, it's pretty amazing that they could get as close to each other as they did. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Animal lovers must have had the best time of all watching this game. Colts against Bears. Neither species can sue to keep their name from being used. I don't think they can unless horses and hirsutes have lawyers.

The game isn't all that difficult to understand once you get the hang of it. Somebody throws the ball to another player on the same team who's pretty far away on a field, and he catches it. Then a bunch of big players from the opposing team jump upon the guy with the ball and just lie there on top of him until some other fella in a striped shirt comes out and yells "Unnecessary Roughness!" Why he would shout those words out loud when the game looks pretty violent from start to finish, I'll never know. Plenty of carnage, except of course for the dancing.

In the midst of this organized chaos appeared rock star Prince, who sang his heart out and played his electric guitar in the middle of a rain storm. Mixing electricity and water seemed to be tempting fate. Prince sang his signature song, Purple Rain, in the rain. And the halftime lights turned the rain purple. So I guess it was calculated, like Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction.".

The one silly thing is calling it Super Bowl XLI when the announcers, who mostly all played in some past Super Bowl, called it the number 41. But of course it isn't, it's an X and an L and a big I. What, do they think we're stupid or something?

All in all, it was an exciting few hours, and I hope to see a couple of those players on the next Dancing with the Stars.
Copyright Maggie Van Ostrand
"A Balloon In Cactus" >
February 7 , 2007 column
Email: maggie@maggievanostrand.com
 
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