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 Texas : Features : Humor :
Small Town Heaven and Hell

Baby Boomer Edition
Not-the-Baby Boomer Edition


by Raoul Hashimoto

(Baby Boomer Edition)

Small Town Heaven is where:
Gregory Peck is the District Attorney
Henry Fonda is the Mayor
Katherine Hepburn is the Newspaper Editor
Mickey Rooney is the Juvenile Delinquent
Jimmy Stewart is the Loan Officer
Lionel Barrymore is the Doctor
Eve Arden is the School Teacher/Librarian
Andy Griffith is the Sheriff
Bishop Sheen is the Religious Leader
James Mason records the phone message for the Chamber of Commerce
Rocky and Bullwinkle is the favorite cartoon
James Thurber is the Class Clown
Ernest Borgnine is theVillage Idiot
Grace Kelly is the Girl Next Door, and
Paul Newman is the Town Rounder/Rake (who ends up marrying Joanne Woodward, our Girl Next Door Runner-up)

Small Town Hell is where:
Alan Dershowitz is the District Attorney
Dabney Coleman is the Mayor
Katherine Hepburn is the Newspaper Editor
Bruce Dern is the (not so) juvenile delinquent
Jim Bakker is the Religious Leader
Michael Milken is the Loan Officer
Vincent Price is the Doctor
Larry Flynt is the Librarian/Schoolteacher
Rod Steiger is the Sherriff
Burt Lancaster runs the Chamber of Commerce
The Flintstones is the favorite Cartoon Program
Oscar Levant is the Class Clown
Sam Donaldson is the Village Idiot
Judy Garland is the Girl Next Door, and
Jessie Ventura is the Town Rounder/Rake (who ends up marrying Joan Collins, our Girl Next Door Runner-Up)

(Not-the-Baby Boomer Edition)

Small Town Heaven is where:

Leon Hale is the Columnist
Raymond Burr is the District Attorney
Robert Duval is the Mayor
Cokie Roberts is the Newspaper Editor
C. Everett Koop is the Town Doctor
Laura Bush is the Librarian
Morgan Freeman is the Sheriff
Alan Greenspan is the Banker
Princess Diana heads the Chamber of Commerce
Sean Penn is the Juvenile Delinquent
Dinosaurs is the favorite Cartoon
David Letterman is the Class Clown
John Travolta/ Tim Robbins are the Village Idiots
Charlotte Church is the Girl Next Door, and
Leonardo DeCaprio is the Town Rounder/Rake
Who ends up marrying LeAnn Rimes.

Small Town Hell is where:
Dave Berry is the Columnist (he would agree with us)
Johnnie Cochran is the Lawyer/District Attorney
Robert DeNiro is the Mayor
Tina Brown is the Newspaper Editor
Jack Kevorkian is the Town Doctor
Danielle Steele is the Librarian
Bea Arthur is the Sheriff
Bill Gates is the Banker
Tammy Faye Bakker/ Cher run the Chamber of Commerce
Tupac Shakur is the Juvenile Delinquent
Pokemon or it's ilk is the cartoon of choice
Robin Williams is the Class Clown
Dr. Laura is the Village Idiot
Madonna and Sharon Stone are the Girls Next Door, and
Bill Clinton is the Town Rounder/Rake
Who ends up marrying Hillary because they were made for each other.
Copyright John Troesser
June, 2000
 
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