few days ago, my wife and I were taking our evening almost-senior-citizen
power stroll, and the subject of Hooters came up. Yes, Hooters. And
I'll tell you why (even if you wish I wouldn't).
We were having a good laugh because someone on Facebook had suggested
that our local and recently-shuttered Bed Bath & Beyond store might
become a giant Hooters. (Pretend you didn't read those last two words
It was at that point I realized and proudly confessed to my wife that
I've never visited a Hooters restaurant. My self-righteous gloating
was soon silenced, though, when my wife announced, "Well, I have.
It was a long time ago, and I was on a business trip. It obviously
wasn't my choice."
I was stunned, not so much that my wife had been served owl tacos,
or whatever it is they have at Hooters, but that she had done this
stereotypical "man" thing that I'd never doneand really have
no desire to do. (I mean, who eats owls?)
That got me thinking about other things I haven't done in my 50-something-year-old
life, so I made a list (even if you wish I wouldn't).
1. I've never been duck hunting. My father-in-law did take me deer
hunting onceback when I was dating his daughter and he was still
trying to decide whether or not to let me live. Duck hunting actually
sounds kind of fun, except for the getting wet, getting cold and getting
up before noon on a Saturday parts.
2. I've never been to an escape room. However, I experience something
like it every night when I try to find my way to the bathroom half
asleep in the dark.
3. I've never been to a NASCAR, Formula 1, or drag race. I have given
all three of my daughters driving lessons, so I'm good.
4. I've never watched "Game of Thrones." (See number 2.)
5. I've never been fly fishingunless you count those times I've
been sitting in a meeting at work and discovered, to my horror, that
my pants were unzipped.
6. I've never been axe throwing. I did abuse some pine trees with
those ninja throwing stars as a kid, though. (I grew up during the
1970s and 80s when parents still allowed kids to eat highly processed
meats and play with sharp objects unattended.)
7. I've never played "Call of Duty." (See number 2.)
8. I've never been to a Taylor Swift concert, and I'd really like
to go. I'm actually on a waiting list for tickets to an upcoming concert
in New Orleans, but I think it's more of a "you sad, sad man who will
never get tickets and shouldn't want them" list.
9. I've never played pickleball. I'm not exactly sure what it is,
but if it involves food eaten with pickles (or food of any kind),
10. And speaking of eating, I've never had cauliflower-crust pizza.
I've tried to eat raw cauliflower, which reminds me of eating a candle,
and I eat my own weight in pizza about once a week. (See number 2.)
But I really believe in keeping my food groups separate, so I think
So, there you have it. Now that I've gotten all of this off my chest,
I know I'll sleep betterif I can find my way back from the bathroom.