you read my last two columns, you know that I'm now milking this one-trick
pony for all it's worthincluding some mixed metaphors. In my
previous columns, I discussed things I haven't done, and things I've
done and wish I hadn'trespectively (actually, there was quite
of bit of disrespect involved, especially regarding Hooters.)
This time, I'll share a few things I'm actually glad I didfor
1. First, this past year, I hired someone to mow my yard. Yes, I could
save some cash if I did it myself, and yes, my dad (who is in his
eighties) still mows his own yardand probably doubts my parentage.
But considering that I often pull muscles and pinch nerves if I breathe
too heavily, I'll probably save money on medical insurance copays.
Besides, I now have more time to annoy my wife, three semi-grown daughters
2. Speaking of my daughters, I'm currently paying for a series of
driving lessons for my youngest and quietest daughter. I still ride
along while she practices, which almost always ends with apologies
(from me) and a full wipe down of the front passenger window to remove
claw marks and tear stains. But based on my eldest and middle daughters'
experiences with parent-taught driving lessons (and my inability to
find a substitute teacher), I thought sending my youngest to a driving
academy might be better for her self-esteem, my cardiovascular health
and our liability insurance premiums.
3. If you're still reading, you may want to stop now because next
on the list is my switch several years ago to boxer briefs. I was
raised in tighty-whities, which, on me, basically look like enormous
diapers (I know I'll be wearing those soon enough). Not only do I
find boxer briefs more bracing and comfortable, they vaguely resemble
shorts, which is useful when I forget to put on pants before going
out to check the mail.
4. Moving on from men's underwear to marital health (I'm convinced
the two are closely related), for the past year, or so, I've been
asking my wife out for a weekly dateand occasionally, she says,
"Yes." When our three daughters were younger, my wife and I focused
all of our time and energy on them, shaping and molding them into
strong, intelligent young women who know exactly how to manipulate
us out of our cash. Now that they are more independent (except for
the cash part), I'm trying to dedicate more attention to my wife's
needs. So, when we go out on our dates, I let her know I value her
and her opinions by allowing her to choose where we eatas long
as it's my favorite Mexican food restaurant.
I could go on and on (not reallyI'm pretty much out of ideas),
but I'll finish by saying that although I've done plenty of things
I regret, and I haven't done a lot things that others have, marrying
an outstanding lady and having three wonderful girls have made up
for life's many shortcomings. Oh, and the boxer briefs help, too,
especially when I go out to check the mail.