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If
you're watching your budget, consider buying cosmetics at the hardware
store. You can stop laughing now — their products work as well as
anything advertised because magazine ads don't use women who look
like they're among the living. Even when I was 20, I didn't have a
face with eyes that look like they got hit with tar balls, I've always
weighed more than 80 pounds, and, in tight jeans, my legs never looked
like a tuning fork.
I started cosmetic shopping at the hardware store about the time wrinkles
appeared, not around the eyes which I was prepared for with a dozen
pairs of big sunglasses, but around the mouth where sunglasses look
stupid. I considered doing a Reverse Bruce Jenner, taking just enough
medication until I grew a concealing mustache, and toyed with the
idea of changing religions so I could wear one of those burquas that
has a drop cloth for your face. I finally talked with a professional
makeup expert, and hit paydirt. He told me about Nigel.
Nigel's is a Hollywood beauty hangout that has supplied the look of
Hollywood stars for decades, sells supplies to personal makeup artists
of the stars, and employs experts who teach classes for movie special
effects. They are considered more than a beauty supply store, they
are an emporium, dealing with more products than a mere store or salon.
Nigel's can also apply your makeup as well as teach you how to do
it yourself. They sell wigs and hair for places where you want it
and how to take it off from places that you don't. Madonna, or maybe
it was Lady Gaga, bought blue armpit hair for a tour. They sell brushes
so soft, the skin cannot even feel their touch, hundreds of lipstick
shades for any skin color, and they actually sell temporary facelifts
to appear younger than you are. Bette Davis used a product that hooked
her skin at the hairline, yanked the wrinkles right off her face and
pulled them right up into her hair where they remained unseen for
enough hours to appear on a tv show. She looked smooth and much younger.
Of course it hurt like hell, but still ...
So I figure we have three ways of combatting visible face ageing.
(1) surgery, (2) Nigel, and (3) Ace Hardware. I hear they're having
a sale on spackle.
© Maggie
Van Ostrand
"A Balloon In Cactus"
July
10, 2015 column
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