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Columns | "A Balloon In Cactus"

Gravity Sucks:
Hollywood's Answer
To a Face in Free Fall

by Maggie Van Ostrand
Maggie Van Ostrand
If you're watching your budget, consider buying cosmetics at the hardware store. You can stop laughing now their products work as well as anything advertised because magazine ads don't use women who look like they're among the living. Even when I was 20, I didn't have a face with eyes that look like they got hit with tar balls, I've always weighed more than 80 pounds, and, in tight jeans, my legs never looked like a tuning fork.

I started cosmetic shopping at the hardware store about the time wrinkles appeared, not around the eyes which I was prepared for with a dozen pairs of big sunglasses, but around the mouth where sunglasses look stupid. I considered doing a Reverse Bruce Jenner, taking just enough medication until I grew a concealing mustache, and toyed with the idea of changing religions so I could wear one of those burquas that has a drop cloth for your face. I finally talked with a professional makeup expert, and hit paydirt. He told me about Nigel.

Nigel's is a Hollywood beauty hangout that has supplied the look of Hollywood stars for decades, sells supplies to personal makeup artists of the stars, and employs experts who teach classes for movie special effects. They are considered more than a beauty supply store, they are an emporium, dealing with more products than a mere store or salon. Nigel's can also apply your makeup as well as teach you how to do it yourself. They sell wigs and hair for places where you want it and how to take it off from places that you don't. Madonna, or maybe it was Lady Gaga, bought blue armpit hair for a tour. They sell brushes so soft, the skin cannot even feel their touch, hundreds of lipstick shades for any skin color, and they actually sell temporary facelifts to appear younger than you are. Bette Davis used a product that hooked her skin at the hairline, yanked the wrinkles right off her face and pulled them right up into her hair where they remained unseen for enough hours to appear on a tv show. She looked smooth and much younger. Of course it hurt like hell, but still ...

So I figure we have three ways of combatting visible face ageing. (1) surgery, (2) Nigel, and (3) Ace Hardware. I hear they're having a sale on spackle.


© Maggie Van Ostrand
"A Balloon In Cactus"
July 10, 2015 column
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