Press reports the U.S. Department of Immigration apprehended Santa Claus attempting
to illegally enter the United States from Mexico.
He was caught maneuvering his sleigh over a fence recently erected by the Border
When Santa lived up north, his transportation consisted of eight
Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. However, after his historic
move to Mexico, he hired
flying burros named Margarita, Josefina, Maria-Luisa, Esmeralda, Concepción, Bonita,
Carmelita and Lupita. They were already over the fence awaiting further instructions.
AP reports that a ninth burro, Rudolfo con
la Nariz Rojo, accidentally caused Santa's sleigh to get caught on the fence,
leaving the sleigh hoisted high above ground, the tinkling sleigh bells alerting
the Border Patrol.
Santa, a cheerful, chubby, bespectacled fellow in red,
appears each year to distribute toys once created in his North Pole workshop,
and recently outsourced to Mexico.
He is ably assisted in this endeavor by dozens of anonymous elves and his long-suffering
wife, Evangelina Garcia-Claus.
The Clauses relocated to Mexico
in the late 20th Century due to marketing stress from Walmart, always harping
for more speed and demanding "newer, better, cheaper." And there was a second
reason to move south.
"You just cannot continue at this rate," said Mrs.
Claus. "Your blood pressure is already sky high and if you get sick, who will
make the toys?" She reminded her absent-minded husband that the elves could not
work without direction as their focus was easily disabled by such things as were
common at the North Pole: cold toes and runny noses. "Their union rep wants them
relocated to a sunny climate and who can say they are wrong?" After contemplating
this conversation as Santa always did when his wife remembered to remind him,
he vowed to relocate the entire workshop south of the border.
upon Mexico was relatively
easy, although they had once considered Hawaii. They changed their minds because
three elves suffered from an allergy to poi, while not a single elf had an allergy
There were many things to consider in such a move -- the acquisition
of property vast enough to accommodate the woodcarving shop with attendant banding
wheels, assorted hammers, screwdrivers, mallets, saws, adequate space for kilns
and pottery equipment, another building devoted solely to books, with printing
presses and a bindery, sewing frame, and leather storage facilities, additional
buildings for the Art Department with drafting tables, airbrushes, palettes and
paints, and a separate iPad section.
Neither the trusting Santa nor his
wife was aware that their activities were being monitored by immigration's Covert
Operations. Santa's private phone calls, mail, and movements were carefully noted
in Washington's infamous "Stealth Activities" ledger. American authorities had
never been suspicious when Santa entered the U.S. from the north but from the
south, it was a reindeer of a different color. When a bewildered Santa got stuck
on a fence that was never there before, he was summarily detained.
cried Santa through the chain link, "Superman doesn't have a green card or a pilot's
license either and you let him in. Why not me?"
"You may not enter," said
the head agent, patting Santa's deportation papers which were tucked in the pocket
of his vest, "because you're not registered with any political party and therefore
cannot vote. So either fall back now, or we're authorized to dispatch you and
your burros to Guantanamo!"
Santa spoke not a word, but went straight
to his sleigh,
Checked all the presents, turned his head away,
laying a finger aside of his nose,
With a nod to the burros, over the fence
He sat straight in his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle
away they all flew like a NASA made missile.
They heard him exclaim, for he
was no longer meek,
"From London to Kansas and then Ajijic."
sleigh rose high to the sky way above,
He shouted "The most precious gift is
No fences, no walls, no problems, no fight,
to all, and to all a good night."
December 7, 2012 column
"A Balloon In Cactus" Columns
Topics: Texas Christmas