Since the 1950’s,
Peeps have been alleviating humanhood’s pain and suffering, at least
the psychomatic kind, and doing an amazing job.
For those few who are unfamiliar with the physical makeup of Peeps,
they are round little treats of sugar-coated marshmallow chicks,
though a few of the 2005 models are rather flat chested. Each Peep
consists of a mere 32 calories and is proud of the fact that, while
he is most often quite plump, he has zero fat content. Beyond even
this, their mother company, Just Born Inc., advises they also make,
among other flavors, a quite delectible Peeps Jelly Bean, adding
that such delicacies “are certified kosher by the Orthodox Union.”
Perfection lies in the details.
The official Peeps Season began with the end of Mardi Gras festivities.
This year, the first confirmed Peeps sighting was in Pensacola Florida;
they were spotted migrating southward from the Just Born birthing
facility in the beautiful Lehigh Valley of Pennsylvania.
Unlike human beings, Peeps of many colors live, nay, thrive, together.
There is the original yellow, followed by pink, blue (hatched for
Easter in 1998), lavender (1995), and of course the elusive albino.
Bringing with it the same good luck which accompanies the finding
of a four leaf clover, the first Peeps sighting can sometimes include
the rare albino Peep. None has yet been sighted this year, not even
in the area of South Texas where one was sighted in 1972. You may
recall that the cover of People magazine featured a photo of a Peepster
named Ptolomy Boxx, with his arm around his discovery, an albino
Peep called Tom. The rumor that Tom was arrested that night for
peeping into windows hoping to spot a naked female Peep is totally
unfounded, and he successfully brought suit against the supermarket
tabloid that said so.
A helicopter landing pad is now conveniently located in Joliet Illinois,
where the prison once stood, for use only by Peeps in need of assistance.
Each disabled Peep is given a Handicapped sticker to be hung from
their rear-view mirror. Some Peeps are born blind, which does not
curb their value to humankind in any way. Disabled Peeps can often
be seen in local supermarket baskets which serve as temporary transportation,
thereby eliminating the necessity of climbing up to the shelf to
await selection. Although handicapped Peeps were not eligible for
the winter Olympics in Sochi, they are often preferred by humans
for their affectionate natures and their willingness to please.
Peeps almost always roost in groups of fifteen, called “fteens.”
Several fteens of authentic peeps have been seen at a local, privately
owned grocery store in Quebec.
Peeps believe their mission in life is to provide comfort to real
people and are often the only friends available for those addicted
to their company, but who live in rural areas where Peeps may be
hard to find. For those people, Peeps Anonymous meetings are springing
up all over the continent.
Peeps have truly been ennobled over the decades since their birth,
and take very seriously their motto: “We each take the journey we’re
meant to take.”
There are many ways to enjoy Peeps, and I had a conversation just
last year with one called Simon. Simon says there’s an art to Peeping
and one of the most popular methods is to cut a small opening in
the cellophane covering their condo (which humans refer to as “box”)
and let them harden a bit in the refrigerator. Some people, Simon
says, like to partake headfirst, and some bottoms up. Simon says
it’s all a matter of taste.
As a test, the
New York Times put a single Peep chick named Maxwell in the fridge
next to a chocolate Charlie Brown, but Maxwell developed Peanuts
Envy and had to be removed.
According to the Census Bureau, demand for Peeps has created a huge
population explosion in Peepsville with births exceeding one billion
The Peeps Peace Corps has sent volunteers to shores as far as Australia,
New Zealand, the Netherlands, China, India, and, well, every foreign
country that has a Peeps Embassy.
Peeps fans can get further information on the internet by accessing
Peepsville at www.marshmallowpeeps.com, which consists of a club
house, a birthing facility tour, general store, and gift and card
This begs the question: Did God really rest on the seventh day,
or did He use it to create the Peep?
Copyright Maggie Van Ostrand
"A Balloon In Cactus"
April 18, 2014 column
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