was born and raised in New York City where the outside world was
the distance between the door and a cab. So why would I be interested
in the outside world with people and places whose names I canít
pronounce, marauding tanks, beheadings, suicide bombings, and assassinations?
I donít want to become inured to horrors. The only Middle East Iím
interested in is our middle east, you know, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky.
So o.k. Iíll limit my information intake to the United States. What
do I get? Fear-mongering politicians, greedy lobbyists, and a mind-boggling
Congressional lack of common sense. We have loser politicians trying
to get reelected instead of arrested, athletes whoíd never make
it without dope, decisions handed down by Supreme Court that seem
anti-American, guns blasting innocent people, power-hungry fat cats
with bad hair cuts buying media and politicians, and news cycles
that repeat the same story until you want to scream for relief.
So o.k. Iíll limit my information intake to the small town I live
in. What are they talking about at the Post Office? Theyíre talking
about an earwig coming out of someoneís cell phone into their ear,
about a guy who licked an envelope flap only to find a cockroach
on his tongue, and how come we have to print envelopes because mailmen
can't read handwriting anymore. Swell. What happened to the good
old days where post office entertainment was shaking all the packages
to see if we could guess the contents.
So o.k. Iíll
limit my information intake to my own home. The cable went out,
the Automatic Sprinkler System has gone on strike, my new laptop
is dyslexic so ďSaveĒ means ďDelete,Ē and my printer passed away
yesterday. The toilet is backed up and, like Ensign Pulver in "Mister
Roberts," the washing machine is spewing soapy water everywhere.
I actually remember when products were manufactured here in the
U.S. of A. and lasted a lifetime without destroying the home they
were berthed in.
So o.k. Now I have to shrink into my own head, a good time to ponder
things, like Why are they called Flemish painters when thereís no
country named Flem? Did Adam really even like the nagging Eve? Why
do TV commercials always tell us how little insurance policies cost
yet never tell us if they pay your claim? Why donít schools teach
how stupid Custer really was? Why donít mattress stores just lower
their prices and skip Holiday Sales? Why do we have so many silly
studies? (One of them discovered that dog fleas jump higher than
cat fleas. It won a Nobel Prize.) Another study finds that not sleeping
well makes you look tired the next day.
That's as far as I was able to shrink the news. Iíd just about given
up on ever feeling happy again when the car I was behind had a bumper
sticker: "Jesus is coming. Look busy."
Life is good again.
"A Balloon In Cactus"
August 19, 2014 column
Topics: Columns | Texas