Press reports the U.S. Department of Homeland Security caught Santa
Claus attempting to illegally enter the United States from Mexico
by flying his sleigh over the skyscraping fence erected by and named
after President Donald Trump.
When Santa lived way up north, somewhere above Alaska, his transportation
consisted of eight reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet,
Cupid, Donner and Blitzen, but, after his deportation to Mexico on
grounds of having been birthed in Hawaii and not in the United States,
he was forced to hire a team of burros called The Flying Wallendas.
By the time AP arrived on scene, The Donald's hench-minions were already
following their Profiling Handbook and detaining Santa for two offenses:
having facial hair, and carrying contraband. "All toys packed on this
sleigh are made in China, assembled in Mexico, and must pay U.S. import
taxes, but even then, you must buy permission to enter," they said,
as Santa frantically grabbed his cell phone and called Mrs. Claus.
"You simply cannot continue at this rate," she cautioned. "Your blood
pressure is already sky high and if you get sick, who will supervise
making the toys?" She reminded Santa that the elves' union rep had
said they could not work the assembly line because they couldn't speak
Chinese. "They need more background checks, before authorities find
out they're just little kids and not elves. You must agree that this
is the most serious matter to crop up since we were deported."
Back when President Trump decreed that Santa was deportation worthy,
there had been many things to do. They had to buy property from Trump
Realty, vast enough to accommodate a wood shop featuring lessons in
carving wood with guns instead of knives, a LEGO building staffed
with figs writing How-to- Articulate-Buildings-of-Wood-and-Brick apps,
a robotics center on how to build a human, and a separate Barbie building
with dolls that included instructions to little girls on how to remove
their own ribs to get a waist like hers, while Oprah fan-Barbie dolls
are equipped with their own air-brush kit.
With population growing at an alarming rate since the overturning
of Roe v Wade, simultaneously with the repeal of the 19th Amendment,
there seemed to be endless demand for more toys as well as new kitchens
in which to keep women barefoot. Yes, moving south had been an enormous
undertaking. However, after negotiations between Trump Realty and
the Mexican village of Trumpito, an ideal property was located, and
the deal closed. Trump filed early bankruptcy papers to save his time
down the line, and save his money by never having to pay for parts
or labor. But no mention was made that Santa would not be re-admitted
into the United States to deliver Christmas toys to American kids.
"President Trump had not been truthful," Santa laments to Mrs. Claus,
"I can hardly believe it."
Neither the trusting Santa nor his wife was aware that their activities
had long been monitored by Homeland Security's Covert Operations cubicle.
Even though Santa had his own private server at home, his emails,
private phone calls, and movements were secretly stored on an iCloud
hovering over Wall Street. Authorities had never been suspicious when
Santa entered the U.S. from the north but, from the south, it was
a bell-ringing burro of a different color.
"You let Superman in without a green card. Why not me?" cried a frustrated
"We let all Marvel characters in," said the hench-minion, "but you
are just a fat guy in a red suit so turn this vehicle around and get
out of our air space."
Santa, realizing that he could be dispatched to Guantanamo for questioning
without even knowing the charges, hastily signaled lift off to The
Flying Wallendas by laying a finger aside of his nose, and crying
out Santa's Message to American Kids of All Ages:
| You're not getting
You're not getting a phone
You're not getting a Minecraft by Lego
Tho' you may think you are,
You're not getting a car
You'll not even get bacon with Eggo
Star Wars won't Awaken,
With your seat not taken.
You won't see your photos on Flickr
So you may feel left out
Like sour with no kraut
See me only in the Pedia called Wickr