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Texas | Columns | "Texas Tales"

Amusing
Newspaper Blurbs
from the Past

by Mike Cox
Mike Cox


No news may be good news to some, but old news is good news if you like Texas history.

For instance, without having perused the Nov. 18, 1840 issue of the Republic of Texas-era Telegraph and Texas Register, who would have known that a nameless newspaper correspondent penned the following item:

“Fort on the San Saba – The old Spanish fortress on the San Saba, was discovered by Colonel Moore, in the late expedition, & found to be in very good state of preservation. Most of the walls were still standing & a part of the timbers of the houses. The fort could be repaired at a trifling expense. It is about 100 miles from Austin and 70 miles above the mouth of the San Saba.”

Yeah, and the Alamo also was an old Spanish mission. Converting it into a fort hadn’t worked out so well only four years earlier.


Fast for the Times

This item proves once again that speed is relative:
“New Orleans, Monday, Dec. 1st. – The steamship Meteor has arrived at this port from Galveston in thirty-two hours–the quickest trip on record.” (Western American, Dec. 20, 1851)


So Much for Mansion Security

“Stolen.
“$25 Reward.
“A carriage horse, about 16 hands high and compactly built, light bay color, with white face. Has brand B L on right shoulder, and is about seven years old. This horse was stolen from the Governor’s stable, on Monday night, the 17th inst. The above reward will be given for recovery of the animal.” (Austin Daily State Journal, May 12, 1873)


Bats and Bikes

“Base ball and bicycling riding are now the prevailing crazes in Marfa. Each evening about twelve or fifteen lovers of the national game can be found on the grounds where an hour or two is spent in the rather violent but healthful exercise, while numerous bicycles flit about over the town. We have quite a number of lady bicycle riders now, and more are learning.” (Marfa New Era in Eagle Pass Guide, July 28, 1894)


Rocksprings

“A dispatch from Rocksprings, the county town of Edwards county says that the Devil’s Sink Hole, an extraordinary cave in the limestone rock whose entrance is a large natural well some 300 feet deep, is to be developed as a guano mine and health resort by some eastern capitalists. The guano has been deposited during ages by myriads of bats; while the pure air and splendid water of the district form the basis of the health feature.” (Eagle Pass Guide, Aug. 11, 1894)


To Keep Flies Off

“I see someone wants a remedy for keeping off the flies that bother the cattle so bad. I will send a recipe that I have tried and know to be good: Fish oil, two quarters; crude carbolic acid, one pint; oil of tar, ten ounces; oil of pennyroyal, one ounce; kerosene oil, one quart. Mix all together and apply with a brush or a rag. Two applications a week will keep them off. I used this remedy last year and this and find it does lots of good and it doesn’t cost very much. – Jas. Brock, Texarkana, Tex.” (Unnamed Velasco newspaper, July 26, 1905)


Before Austin Was Weird

Austin is going to have a dam. It will be a dam good dam, and I am dam glad the Colorado will be dammed. I don’t have to pay a dam cent of the expense unless I use the dam water and lights, don’t have to work on the dam, so it’s none of my dam business and I don’t give a dam.” (J.S. Bonner, Harpoon, December 1911)


Before the Interstates

Fort Worth bids fair to become as famous as a highway gateway to Texas as a railroad center. Half a dozen roads aggregating in length several hundred miles – the routes of which will pass through this city – are now under construction or their construction is being considered. When finished they will tap the most populated and richest district of Texas, attracting thousands of tourists annually.” (Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Sept. 4, 1913)


Crying wolf?

“It is a real treat to meet a person these days who is not a calamity howler. What good does calamity howling do anyhow? None of us are going to starve to death, even if cotton is selling for a little old measley 7 cents.” (Trenton Tribune, Sept. 11, 1914)


Correction

“Due to a typographical error, we stated last week that Major General Lemuel McGuffey was a battle-scared veteran. This of course is a misprint. General McGuffey is really a bottle-scarred veteran.” (Fiesta Gazette, University of Houston, 1948)



© Mike Cox - May 29, 2014 column
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